Rejecting Passivity and Detachment

If you've not read the prior post, it is an introduction to this one and may be worth a read.

Two weekends ago, in simultaneous sermons at two different churches, Pastors Phil Knauer and Kelly Harrison spoke to tensions created in marriages from men detaching from their marriages to focus on the work of providing for their families and men being passive, respectively.  Though I am not married or in a relationship, I was reminded of instances in my own life and observations I’ve made which relate to this problem.

At some point in most every young man’s life, he dreams about being a hero to at least one woman.  I certainly dreamt about rescuing more than a few of my first crushes from dangerous situations in elementary school and that continued later in middle school and even into high school.  In elementary school, where my popularity in grade school peaked, I even had a group of boys who would run around the playground attempting to “rescue” women from other buys who were picking on them.  I should perhaps even admit that I’ve definitely imagined being a hero to women I’d hoped to impress as recently as this year.  

There is a point, however, for most men where reality sets in and we realize that we aren’t always going to be able to run in and rescue the woman of our dreams-or perhaps even the woman of our current interest. Perhaps we’ve finally learned that most of our childhood superheroes are just comic book creations or perhaps, like me, they’ve learned that the women they’d hoped to rescue have someone else in mind for that role!  Pastor Phil said that most women are looking for Prince Charming, and regardless of the veracity of that statement, I’d think that most men have lost their thoughts of being Prince Charming by their 30s.  We all fall short.  Sadly because of failed attempts at relationships, or perhaps worse, failure to even try due to lack of confidence or fear of failure many men lose hope that they will rescue anyone.  Too many of these men check out of the relationships in their lives, and many become detached or passive in the relationships that persist.

I should pause here for my female readers to address something I’ve hinted at above that greatly offends some independent, godly, women I’ve had the opportunity to know over the years.  When I speak of a man rescuing a woman, I am not implying that without that man’s help she would be lost.   I am certainly aware that there are many strong women and there is certainly Biblical precedent to women coming alongside other women and supporting them.  Furthermore, godly men I know have shared times of their wives’ strength and support in difficult times, which helped them get through.  Perhaps a better way of explaining what I am trying to say rather than coming to the rescue was that the man was able to put his strength to her service.  Whether that strength is physical, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual is not really the point.  

With that disclaimer behind me, I will attempt to get back on the topic of detachment and passivity.  Phil spoke of the biblical responsibility of men to provide for their families.  While I realize that in today’s society, this view is often misconstrued to say that men should be the primary breadwinners but let’s table that debate for now as this post is already becoming longer than planned.  Phil went on to explain how many men need to detach from their family and marriage relationships to focus on their careers and the demands of work.  As most would agree that men are not particularly adept at multi-tasking, it is a necessary detachment.  The problem, I would argue, arises when men put far too much of their strength into their work and become detached or passive in their relationships outside of work.  I don’t make any claim to be representative of my sex but in my own experience, I prefer to focus on my strengths.  Frankly, I’ve far more experience in my profession than I have in dating.  (Being single, I of course have no experience in marriage.)  Unfortunately, though it is too easy to focus on our work to the detriment of our other relationships.  Society tends to measure success for men more by their influence in the boardroom or their prowess in the bedroom than in their ability to serve and love their families and wives.  Meaningful, sacrificial, relationships may even be viewed as a distraction from their true purpose, which is ostensibly to work hard and make money to provide for their families and accrue lots of fancy toys so they can play hard when they aren’t working.

Not surprisingly, many hard-driving, career-minded men who are extraordinarily successful in their work are barely present in the lives of the people they’d profess to care about.  They leave early, come home late, and may even bring work home with them so they are rarely present even if they are physically with their families.   It may be accurate to describe them as married to their work.  They may be successful but at what cost?  Some become detached because they give their all at work and have nothing left, others detach because they come home to controlling wives and they aren’t willing or able to fight another battle. (more on this in a future blog.)  Some simply become passive, being present but never really engaging those they claim to love.  Love does not endure passivity.

As a single man, I can focus on my career without the struggle of balancing my work with a marriage or family.  (I am sometimes reminded of this by my married friends as part of well-intentioned advice.)  The reality is that I cannot allow my work to supplant healthy relationships with friends and family if I wish to have a wife and family of my own.  On a base level, I will not take the risks required to enter into a relationship that could result in marriage if my greatest risks are always in the workplace.  I cannot expect to have the type of relationship I hope for if I remain passive and wait for God to bring me the right woman.  (I do not hope she will fall from the sky because I’ve not been to the gym recently and I am doubtful I could catch her.)  All joking aside, if I detach and remain passive in my relationships, I forfeit the chance to demonstrate my strength and serve the people who are in my life. Engaging and taking risks may never be comfortable and it most certainly will result in failures that could leave greater scars than marketplace missteps.   

It is this realization, then, that forces all men to make a decision.  Do they wish to expend their lives to build themselves up or do they hope to have lasting, positive, impact on the lives of others?  Will they only carve their accomplishments into marble or be active participants in the formidable task of writing truth on hearts through love?  It is a decision with eternal significance but it must be made every day.

Post Valentine's Day Reflection (An introduction)

I had planned to write a Valentine’s Day post this year but was pretty tired for shoveling snow on Thursday and I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired. The blog posting scene on Valentine’s Day is typically more than a little oversaturated with material, whether it is comical, cynical, optimistic, pessimistic, hopeful, or bitter.

I was moving a bit slower than usual today and failed to get to church this AM so I watched an online sermon given by Pastor Kelly Harrison at Way of Life Church last week. Most years, around Valentine’s Day, pastors focus on messages of love and marriage-or perhaps it just seems that way to this perennially single guy. This year was no different with my church campuses focusing on a family and marriage-based series and Way of Life giving a series called “Mr. and Mrs. Betterhalf.”   

Admittedly, my first reaction to a relationships, marriage or family-focused series is usually to cringe and consider taking a hiatus to somewhere else until the series is on a topic I feel is more suitable to my needs. (We can unpack the attitude behind that statement some other time!)

My gut reaction to marriage series notwithstanding, I do hope to be married someday so I did my best to listen attentively. I was struck by the similarities between the key points of Kelly Harrison’s teaching and the key points that my church’s pastor, Phil Knauer, made at the same time last week.

The key points made by both pastors spoke to tension between the biblical gender roles described in Genesis and how those roles further break down when they are put into practice by imperfect people. Kelly spoke on women’s tendency to be controlling and men’s tendency to be passive, using the illustration of King Ahab and Jezebel.  Phil spoke to the tension between a man’s desire to serve his wife and a need to detach to focus on work so that he can provide for the family, and tied it back to Adam and Eve. He also mentioned that tension of a woman between the desire to submit to her husband and yet maintain control. 

Phil noted that Ephesians 5:21 & 23 basically say that a man is to love his wife and a wife is to respect her husband. That sounds pretty simple but since Adam and Eve chose a different path, it has been easier said than done.

As a single guy these messages helped me understand a bit of that disappointment and perhaps will help me improve some things in my singleness that will hopefully benefit a future marriage.  I’ll be trying to unpack of few of those things in my next few blog posts.  At present, I’m planning on wrestling with “rejecting passivity and detachment (men),” and “respect and the paradox of control (women),” and perhaps others depending on what thoughts come together.  I'll even take requests but I may authorize the right to decline to write on some topics!