Love Misplaced

So I was looking through a big box of old receipts, bills and other miscellaneous paperwork and I came across a letter I’d written to a woman more than a few years ago and never sent.  Actually, it was part of a series of written attempts to express my feelings, all of which I thought I’d disposed of by now.  This was an early attempt and like the later ones, I never actually managed to make it say what I wanted to say.  In the scheme of things, it is no great importance.  We eventually came to an understanding and my suspicion that my feelings were unrequited was confirmed.  Yet, when I came across the letter yesterday I was unable to toss it in the pile with years-old Panera Bread receipts and old envelopes. 

I gave it a quick read and wasn’t sorry that I’d not sent it.  For one, I had later found out that when I was writing it would have been a very inopportune time to send it.  Beyond that, it seems to me now an immature and needy piece of work.  There is too much of my own insecurity in it.  Perhaps it betrayed the rejection I’d already felt but it doesn’t convey the feelings that were driving me crazy: the doubts and insecurities, the faint and ultimately false hopes that she’d feel the same, and most importantly, how crazy I was about this woman I thought I knew well enough to love.

Okay, so love is probably not the right term here.  I’d say infatuation was clearly at work but history has not shown the things for which I held the woman to high esteem to be untrue, so there may have been some substance of love.   Some might have said that I was in love with the idea of being in love but to me that concept seems really silly.  In reality, the letter wasn’t a love letter but more of a “I think you’re swell and here’s some non-threatening reasons why” with some “I’d like to get to know you better” thrown in for a rather tepid result.  Mercifully, it doesn’t say “Hey, I’m stalking you and am going to be impossible to avoid until you agree to go out with me or take out a restraining order” but nor does it say “Hey I really dig you and your smile makes me unable to think clearly.”   (maybe that’s creepy too?)

So, right about now if you are still reading you may be asking where I am going with this… I actually found two letters and already tossed the first one.  It, perhaps, held the clue as to why the letters remain long after the chance of relationship has been long over.  I made it clear in the first attempt, which I wisely abandoned, that it was because my feelings were driving me nuts that I felt the need to share them.  In the second, more complete, letter, it isn’t said explicitly but it is really all about me.  Knowing what I know now, I don’t think it would have mattered what I wrote since her heart wasn’t looking for what mine wanted to offer.  What does strike me though, is how unlike love the message conveyed in the letter actually was.  I have to admit that it, like most of my awkward college infatuations were the result of my wanting something I didn’t understand.  In some cases, I think of some of the women I’d hoped to attract and wonder how I could have been so blind to obvious roadblocks. Time does sometimes make us wiser and just because we love someone doesn’t mean that we are meant to spend our lives with them.   The latter point is especially true when we love someone who doesn’t love us in the same manner or perhaps at all.  

In “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band, the lyrics seem to ring true to my experience:

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
Love stinks

I can laugh at the song but when it comes to romantic love, perhaps it resonates a bit too well with how I actually feel.  After all, it is sometimes easier to joke about things we wouldn’t admit to in a serious conversation.  The song goes on to say:

Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks

Even to the jaded, it seems that love is inescapable.  That reality seems to be especially frustrating for those of use who’d like to be Casanova but tend to be Charlie Brown instead. Charlie Brown is basically a good guy but he spent all that time interested in the little red-haired girl but never got to know her. (Disclosure: One of the first women I ever liked was a little red-haired childhood friend of mine.  She is now a red-haired woman and we long ago learned that we are much better suited as friends.)   To make things more frustrating, God seems to have played a bit of a joke on our human understanding of romantic love, Eros.  To loosely paraphrase C. S. Lewis, one lover may be in love and the other is not and then they switch roles.  It is a joke at our expense and it kind of stinks.  And to think that Seth Justman and Peter Wolf of the J. Geils Band seem to have understood it the same way!

To stop there is an injustice for if love is only what I need, than it is far from complete.  This truth may be more eloquently expressed by the words of C. S. Lewis in The Four Loves:

“Need-love says of a woman, "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection...appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.”

It seems to me, (and I must write seems as I am a long way from practicing this truth) that my love life would be far more enjoyable if I could bypass the question of whether a woman is willing or able to reciprocate my feelings and instead be thankful for the opportunity to have known her at all.  If I look at most of my past interests, they’ve not really progressed beyond the first state of need-love-at least until it was clear that no hope of a relationship other than friendship was to be had.  Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I wasn’t looking just to what I could get from the relationship.  I had the opportunity to get to know and, in my better moments, encourage women whose hearts attracted me and I wanted the honor of knowing more.  Unfortunately the way I eventually shared my feelings was mostly about me; I needed to get my feelings out in the open so I wouldn’t have to analyze them anymore and they wouldn’t drive ME crazy.  It was of little consequence until later when I sometimes realized that my timing was hardly appropriate and my delivery could have been better-designed so give credibility to the feelings I was struggling to profess.  After all, I chose to analyze rather than live and see where the road took me.

When I look back on them, my feelings did not get far past my own needs I suppose.  As Lewis makes clear, love must be more than just that, indeed it must be even beyond appreciation alone.  I am not saying that we are to put any woman we love on a pedestal to be admired but never known.  I am saying that a thankful heart, enriched by the experience of knowing others who helped bring it to life, seems a far more appealing prospect to the selfish, me-centered heart that seems to prefer analysis and fear to authenticity and vulnerability.

Validation

While I was reading Donald Miller's book, Searching for God Knows What, this week the following passage stuck with me:

"I have sometimes wondered if the greatest desire of man is to be known and loved anyway. It is no secret that we are terribly protective of our hearts, as though this tender space is a kind of receptor for our validation as humans. The closer we are to another person, the more vulnerable we are and the more we feel a sense of risk. Lovers can takes years to finally trust each other, and many of us will close ourselves off at the slightest hint of danger. Introductory conversations are almost always shallow. "Where did you go to school?" and "How old are your children?" are safe places to begin. Start an initial meeting with "What addictions do you struggle with?" or "When do you feel least loved by your wife?" and we are going to have a tough time making new friends. It seems that we feel we must trust people before we let them know anything remotely vulnerable about us, and to ask for more before trust has been built is to contravene a social etiquette dating back to the fall of man. All of this, I suppose, is connected to the fact that our validation seems to always be in question. (p. 133)

"It is nice to meet you. So when do you think your girlfriend loves you least? Hey! where are you going?" That isn't the type of question most of us would ask someone we've just met. Frankly, we wouldn't ask most people that we've know for years that question. Why? Well, perhaps it is as simple as that just isn't how things are supposed to be done. If we give it a little more thought, maybe it is because we wouldn't want someone asking us that type of uncomfortable question or perhaps because we are afraid how the other person might react. Truth be told, most of us have never shared our most embarrassing moment in those cheesy icebreakers at group events... ...but for most of us, there are people who have earned the right to ask uncomfortable questions. They still may hurt us at times, but they challenge us to trust that they have our best interests at heart.

"Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" In John 21, the resurrected Jesus, meets up with the Disciples by the Sea of Galilee where some of them, Peter included, have returned to fishing. In this passage, Jesus repeats the question to Peter 3 times. John 21:17 notes that "Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” I've heard that Peter was upset because Jesus' questions in triplicate reminded him of his denial while many biblical scholars maintain that Jesus was referring to the fish when he used "these." Regardless of the specific reason, it had to hurt for Peter to be questioned in this manner. He certainly had the reputation for saying, and at times, doing the wrong thing but the knowledge that he had denied the One who he had followed with such abandon had to be eating at him constantly. It was pretty clear that Jesus had ample reason to banish Peter from his presence but his response in verse 18, is baffling: "follow me." After Peter abandoned Christ, denied him three times, and went back to his old livelihood, Jesus gently restores him and repeats that invitation he made several years ago when He asked Peter to follow him and become a "fisher of men." While it isn't recorded whether Jesus every specifically mentioned Peter's denial after the Last Supper, there can be no question that he knew if had occurred. Peter even says to the Jesus "You know all things." I'm sure that Peter had at least some idea about what he deserved, or at least that he no longer deserved to be a follower of Christ! Jesus wasn't interested in what Peter deserved though, he knew Peter and he loved him anyway.

I think that Donald Miller is spot on and we, just like Simon Peter, have an overwhelming desire to be really known but we are afraid no one would love us if they really knew us. As C.S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." Since the fall of Man in the Garden of Eden, man has been embarrassed by his nakedness. Adam realized he was naked and hid from God but he was still naked so I don't think his naked body was the real issue. Perhaps Adam realized that his disobedience has exposed his personality for a self-serving human that craved Eve's acceptance over obedience with God's commands. Of course, as the first man, it makes sense that we are so quick to throw Adam under the bus. He of course, blamed Eve, and then even God, but false charges don't stick in a court where the Judge is omniscient! Of course, designer clothing excepted, we aren't much different. We too fear being exposed and wear masks everywhere-even in many of our close friendships. We try wearing them with God too but they typically are as effective as was Adam's hiding.

Why do we wear masks? Is it because when we seek our validation from others we often find that we need to keep hidden those aspects of ourselves that they might reject? Do we hide those parts of ourselves that may be unpopular to gain the approval of others and achieve our validation in that manner? Are we at times guilty for causing others to wear masks when we judge or compare ourselves to them in an obvious (or subtle) attempt to look better by comparison? Sadly, I'd have to admit that all of these reasons are true. Wearing a mask is exhausting, if only because of the constant fear that it may be unexpectedly removed and we will be revealed, scars and all. But it is by no accident that the One who bears scars on our behalf sees beyond our masks and our scars to the Creations we are, and are becoming, in Him. For it is only in our nakedness that he can clothe us in the garments of his Love.

Lack of Substance Part 2

In part I of this blog post, I was discussing how we're inclined to settle for less than the best. I touched on some areas we may settle: our work, our love, our faith...and yet, sadly, there are more...

Some of us settle in our physical bodies, knowing we need to take better care of ourselves yet postponing the doctor visit, the daily walk or gym visit, or perhaps the (gasp) diet! We fall for the same lies: "It is too late to change" "I don't have the discipline." "This is just how I am." Perhaps too, we settle with our minds. (Yes, the mind is part of the physical so I am including it here!) Mark Twain said something along the lines of "I finished my schooling and began my education." Are you still learning, if not, perhaps you are settling on your (very limited) knowledge!

Still others settle in our character, taking the example of leaders who follow a different god: money, power, fame, influence, success or simply taking the path of least resistance whenever we can. Perhaps we let our outside appearance (especially easy for those of us who are young) carry us and we don't bother to develop the internal traits that will be most meaningful when beauty fades and life takes courage. Even if we are regulars at the gym, if we do not strengthen our character, we will fall when faced with the slightest temptation or difficulty: a job opportunity too good to be true, a movie, book, or internet site we've no business watching, reading, or viewing, the attention of an attractive coworker who belongs to someone else (or any coworker to you marrieds reading this!). And not only into temptation will we fall. To reverse scripture slightly (Rom. 5, 3-4) a lack of character could be assumed to result from a lack of testing, suffering and perseverance-if we avoid tests and trials we may never develop character! Without sufficient depth of character (necessarily including patience!)a traffic jam delay or flat tire can push you over the edge. How then, to weather a layoff, breakup, loss of a loved one, or bad health diagnosis? I could probably write an entire posting just on character...and still not more than scrape the surface!

...But all of this writing of ways that we/I settle is kind of discouraging and hardly seems the way to launch into the new year. Granted, scripture tells us that "God's mercies are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:21-23)so all the hype of the New Year is mostly just fluff, but as I was saying...

Many Christians get it wrong when they talk about being content and not complaining. Not that those are wrong attitudes: scripture is clear that we are to do all things without complaining (Philippians 2:14)and being content in God's Love and provision, no matter whether or not you get everything you want! Yet, where they go wrong is when they mistake being content and not complaining with settling instead of responding to a God-given yearning. They instead, as C. S. Lewis writes, busy themselves with happily making mud pies when God has far greater plans for their lives!

Jesus did not settle and was not too easily satisfied. The gospel writers don't say much about his carpentry but can you image the creator of the Universe doing shoddy work "just to meet a deadline" or "turn a profit." He loved even those who betrayed him to death and denied him in his time of need. He wept at the death of a friend-a friend he would bring back to life. His faith was shown in his willingness to do the will of the Father-even when that meant torture and death on a cross. He healed broken hearts, bodies, and families. He provided food to the hungry. His character did not change according to the audience. He did not tell people what they wanted to hear to edify himself or gain their approval. He challenged the religious leaders who tried to make themselves like God in outward action rather than growing hearts with His character. He acknowledged the outcasts in spite of the disproving eyes and words of others and he broke the legalistic conventions of man. He was hated and yet He loved.

In John 14:12 Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." Are you settling while your heart yearns for something more? I recall the oft-quoted words of C. S. Lewis: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Quite frankly, this world will never fully satisfy us but to have a life well-lived, I believe it is impossible to avoid the following question: Where am I settling that God has more for me on this earth? If you don't know, perhaps that is the most important question to ask Him!

Lack of Substance Part 1

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." In Macbeth, Shakespeare paints a rather bleak picture of life-that of an act in which we pour our energies into a meaningless drama with no lasting significance. In short, life is of no substance.

While I am disinclined to think that we seek to live lives without substance, it seems that many of us allow far too much of that which is insubstantial displace the substantial. In laymen's terms, we fill our life with a lot of things that don't matter and end up having no room for the things that really matter. ...and we are surprised when our lives lack purpose and meaning!

I suppose that some would say we are just lazy creatures, doing what is easiest, but even the things that are not of lasting significance can take a herculean amount of effort. Take, for instance, the who's who of the high school years-I wasn't part of the popular "ruling" class, but I observed that a lot of effort went into belonging. You had to maintain your position, usually by putting outsiders down; you had to look the part, by wearing the right clothes and keeping up with the trends; and of course there was the constant pressure to act cool lest you be banished from the in-crowd. Sometimes the cool people even had to give up friendships or take part in activities they really didn't like, just to keep their position. The sad thing is that we can assume that all that high school coolness didn't follow them to college. At college, the process started over and then once again in the workplace or grad school. The effort never ends!

As the example above shows, we can put a lot of effort into things that mean a lot to us at the time but have no lasting significance. I think that perhaps the saddest part is that we are often so wrapped up in the insubstantial that it doesn't even bother us. C.S. Lewis probably says it best in "The Weight of Glory." "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Lewis is writing about the glory which God offers us the opportunity in which to live even while we yet remain on this earth, but I think it can be applied to many things that are good but are not God's best for our lives. We are too easily satisfied and settle for a life in the shadow of the things which God has created for us.

We settle in our work: Perhaps taking a secure, high-paying job rather than a career we love. Others stay in middle management when they are more than qualified to run the company. Some work hard so they can play hard to forget about their work, others work so hard they never have time to play. ...and we wonder why we miss out on the "satisfaction in our toilsome labor" that is described in Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

We settle in love. Some forget who we are becoming in Christ and focus their attentions on someone who is far less than the person God is preparing for us. Some stay in a relationship with someone who hurts them and think they don't deserve better. Some cheapen love to the things that the world says it is. We make it about us, about our needs. Then we read the love described in the Song of Songs and wonder where we went wrong...

We settle in our faith. We seek a small God when it is convenient and ask Him to do small things (if we ask for His help at all). We don't have time to read the Bible and study the Word, yet we complain that we don't know God's will for our lives. We want God to work in our lives but we don't really want Him to test us or change us if it is going to be difficult or painful.

Unfortunately it is getting late so I will need to continue this later today!

Selfish?

Several weeks ago I posted a Facebook status noting that I can be really selfish when things don't go my way... While the events that led to that admission seem trivial now when viewed under the light of perspective gained through the passage of time and the wisdom of godly counsel, the realization remains the same. I mention this now, not to satisfy my self-critical nature (which incidentally cannot, and need not be satisfied), but rather to state a reality in my life that will be until I leave this earth. I hope that as my understanding of God's love towards me and the grace He shows, my selfishness will continue to die along with the "old man," but I know that it may be a long road indeed.

As I get older and watch many of my friends dating, marrying, and having children I sometimes wonder if I can ever be selfless enough to truly share my life (see, I referred to it as mine!) with a woman in a lasting relationship of equals known as marriage. Granted, I have friendships with members of both sexes that have withstood the test of time and I hope that my relationships with my family members will continue to grow, but when I look into scripture I cannot deny that there is something more required of a husband.

From the husband of the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31, to the Beloved described in Song of Songs, and most strikingly, Paul's instruction in Ephesians 5:25 to husbands to "love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." love of a woman is no task for a selfish man. I find it a little bit humorous and a lot more challenging that the verse in Ephesians that is at times abused in the church and so maligned by the world, Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" is followed by the directive that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church.

It is a formidable and sobering challenge in a world where selfish is often defined simply as someone who won't give us what we want: A woman who cares for her purity more than the desires of the boy who pretends to love her to get what he really wants may be accused as being selfish in much the same way that a child who refuses to share the toys at recess. Selfless people, think the late Mother Teresa, are venerated but seldom emulated. Perhaps the song "Love is a Battlefield" hints at the realization that in the worldly sense, love is too often reduced to a war between the wills of two, or more people, each seeking their own best interests. After all, nations do not go to war in order to help the country they are fighting! Love is a bloody fight and the battlefield is littered with the wounded hearts of people broken by selfish relationships. Perhaps there are some who we might say deserve their wounds as they loved the wrong person or the hurt their own selfishness caused them to heap on others finally came back to them but frankly, the reasons don't really matter. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...that's right, All.

Whether our hearts are broken because of our own selfishness, the selfishness of others, or a combination of the two, there is only one cure: to love selflessly. This advice flies in the face of every bit of self preservation and pride we may harbor. If love has left your heart wounded, why love more? Will not more pain be the result? Perhaps. But will loving no one and protecting your heart bring you healing? I have found no one who writes more challengingly on this subject than C. S. Lewis, and though I have quoted it often, this passage from The Four Loves, brings home a reality that I cannot state better:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

As I wrote earlier, I am selfish. I want to protect my heart. I don't want to risk the pain of rejection, I prefer injured pride over sacrificial humility, and I fear the very real possibility that I might hurt a woman I love, but in reality those fears are about me. They betray leanings toward a fearful, selfish, safe life which could not be further from the life that Christ led here on the earth. Christ showed his love for the Church by giving up his life for her and he did so boldly. I have a long way to go but I hope that you will join me on the journey and we may travel together, whether it be for this season or for the long haul. If love were easy, we wouldn't need Him to lead us along the way.

Love is not blind.

It has been awhile since I have attempted to put my thoughts out in public via my blog. Frankly, I am not entirely sold on the idea that the general public is ready for glimpses of the inside of my brain! Courtesy of Starbucks I am wide awake, so I thought I'd finish up an entry I started recently.

‎"Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and
clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves." -Blaise Pascal

There is an old adage that says that "love is blind." I don't really buy it-and I don't think it is just because guys are visual. Even visually impaired people find ways to see. People without sight are not the only ones described as blind in scripture. Psalm 135:16 tells of those who have eyes but cannot see and in 2 Kings 6:17 Elisha prays that God will help his servant to see the hills full of horses and chariots of fire. Of course, those less literal than I would probably argue that "love is blind" refers more to the tendency of those in love to not see things that might get in the way of their love: race, socioeconomic status, etc, or perhaps alludes to the type of infatuation-love that occurs when one or both people can see no shortcomings in the other. Then again, it is not hard to make the point that infatuation can only stand in the place of love for so long before it is revealed for a sham.

But, to get back to the original quote, Pascal describes not a 'love fog' that obscures or selective sight which sees what it wants to see but instead a "clear mind [that] loves ardently and sees distinctly..." Mirriam-Webster defines ardent as "characterized by warmth of feeling typically expressed in eager zealous support or activity." The definition of "fiery, hot" is also used. So in, other words, a clear mind loves with a fiery, hot, passion that which it sees clearly/distinctly.

So where am I going here? If this were an essay, I realize that I should have given my thesis statement already, but as it isn't, so here goes... Love isn't blind-it sees more, not less. Don't believe me? Please keep reading...

Have you ever looked in a mirror and not liked what you saw? I am going to go out on a limb and assume that most of us have at one time or another. (most of us probably do so far too frequently for that matter!) Admittedly, a mirror gives a very incomplete view. It gives no allowance for bad days, sickness, sunburn or bedhead and it cannot show our character, intellect, or the state of our hearts. If we are to love someone based on the mirror view, we are missing a lot, no matter how beautiful they are! "Mirror love" can hardly be expected to grow with time! "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." According to John 15:3, Jesus demonstrated the greatest love. Interesting because he saw past the outer person and looked at the hearts. He sharply rebuked the Pharisees who focused on outward appearance, even as he commended the faith of societal outcasts. His love went far beyond-to the people He knew entirely before he formed them in their mothers' wombs. He was not blind to their faults and failures and yet He loved them with great intensity.

I know not much of love-at least not of the romantic type-but from Jesus' example, it should be clear to me that if I am to love a woman in the way that God has designed, I must see clearly who she is. If I do not see that, my love cannot grow and flourish as it is not grounded in reality. Real love does not paint a picture of a person that isn't, though lovers may at times describe one another in glowing terms. Real love sees faults but as God offers us His grace because He loves us, real, agape, love is seasoned with grace. Real love sees the heart, perhaps only in small glimpses, but glimpses that cause us to want to see more. The beauty of a Godly heart does not fade with time.

Brokenness

I unexpectedly had some free time this evening so I figured it was about time to wrap up a blog entry I started almost two weeks ago! It is a bit long but that is a hazard of reading my blog I guess!


As Valentine’s Day came to a close, I was frittering away some time on Facebook while trying to avoid posting my first impressions of the mushier postings from enamored couples and came across the following quote: "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine!" I immediately recognized from one of my favorite movies of all time, Casablanca. It is uttered by one of the main characters and the owner of a classy club, Rick, when he is surprised to see a woman he never expected to see again. The following exhange, occurring later in the movie, provides us with clearer insight on his feelings:

Ilsa: Rick, I have to talk to you.
Rick: [Rick is drunk] Uh-huh. I saved my first drink to have with you. Here.
[passes her a drink]
Ilsa: No. No, Rick, not tonight.
Rick: *Especially* tonight.
Ilsa: Please...
[he pours a drink]
Rick: Why did you have to come to Casablanca? There are other places.
Ilsa: I wouldn't have come if I'd known that you were here. Believe me Rick, it's true I didn't know...
Rick: It's funny about your voice, how it hasn't changed. I can still hear it. Richard, dear, I'll go with you anyplace. We'll get on a train together and never stop -
Ilsa: Don't, Rick! I can understand how you feel.
Rick: [scoffs] You understand how I feel. How long was it we had, honey?
Ilsa: [on the verge of tears] I didn't count the days.
Rick: Well, I did. Every one of 'em. Mostly I remember the last one. The wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out.
Ilsa: Can I tell you a story, Rick?
Rick: Has it got a wild finish?
Ilsa: I don't know the finish yet.
Rick: Well, go on. Tell it - maybe one will come to you as you go along.
Ilsa: It's about a girl who had just come to Paris from her home in Oslo. At the house of some friends, she met a man about whom she'd heard her whole life. A very great and courageous man. He opened up for her a whole beautiful world full of knowledge and thoughts and ideals. Everything she knew or ever became was because of him. And she looked up to him and worshiped him... with a feeling she supposed was love.
Rick: [bitterly] Yes, it's very pretty. I heard a story once - as a matter of fact, I've heard a lot of stories in my time. They went along with the sound of a tinny piano playing in the parlor downstairs. Mister, I met a man once when I was a kid, it always began.
[laughs]
Rick: Well, I guess neither one of our stories is very funny. Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Lazlo, or were there others in between or... aren't you the kind that tells?
[Ilsa tearfully and silently leaves. Rick's face falls in his hands sadly, knowing that he's said all the wrong things]

While I think highly of Casablanca and won’t ruin it by telling you the ending, this part of the story doesn’t seem a whole lot different from many love stories on the big screen. They tend to follow a basic cinematic sequence: Couple meets, falls in love, complications ensue, someone gets hurt and then we move on to reconciliation, and hopefully, a happy (though often cheesy) ending.

The excerpt above is clearly somewhere after the “someone gets hurt” part! Though Rick’s bitter words are not especially surprising coming from someone who describes himself as “A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out,” it doesn’t seem that getting his feelings out there makes him feel any better. I suspect that the expression “To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all” wouldn’t have gone over too well with Rick; at least not while the woman he loved (and lost) is standing in front of him.

Now I could make this a post about forgiveness, but I am not going to do that. Frankly, I don’t really know what it feels like to get my insides kicked out so I am not sure I could write a compelling entry on that subject anyway. If you read the title and can still remember it at this point, you know that I am writing instead about brokenness.

So anyway, Rick’s words pretty cut pretty deeply into Llsa. While she probably deserved it, she got an unwanted opportunity to feel a bit of the agonizing pain that Rick described for her so bitterly. In his pain, only partially buried in his drunkenness, he lashed out at the woman he had once loved and found that his pain only grew stronger. He had expected her to show up and she had left him for a wealthier man who could provide security and perhaps, she thought, a better future. Now, after he expected never to see her again, both she and that man now depend on Rick to get them out of the country and safe from the Nazis. If anyone has a reason to be bitter, it is Rick.

But enough about a couple of characters in a movie, let’s bring this home to real life. Perhaps you can identify too easily with the pain that Rick describes. Perhaps you offered your heart to someone who didn’t want it. Perhaps you gave a piece of your heart to someone who played with it as a cat toys with a mouse and discarded it in much the same matter. Perhaps you gave your heart to someone who didn’t deserve it and ended up like Rick “with your insides [your heart] kicked out.” Perhaps you aren’t sure what happened but you feel like that your dreams of loving and being loved by someone special have died with the hopes that harbored them. Whatever the cause, you feel bruised, battered, and perhaps even irreparably broken.

But broken isn’t where it ends-at least not where it has to end... We can choose to seek healing or we can live on as best we can without it. Of course it isn’t just that simple. We aren’t very good at healing ourselves (perhaps we weren’t designed that way?) And the desire to be whole isn’t going to provide a salve for our wounds-especially not the empty hole that remains from a heart sacrificed on the altar of selfish love. (That is love with a lower-case “l.”) If we look around us, we can find a lot of broken-hearted people who have let bitterness and discouragement fill the void where once love reigned. Some of them have even worked really hard to find healing, -in other relationships, in a career, in possessions, in music, in nature, in spirituality, in drugs and/or alcohol, in food-the list goes on but the results are usually the same. Whether it is visible only in the rare times when their guard is down or erupts often in bitter words like lava from an active volcano, the brokenness remains…

…But it doesn’t have to. While I don’t think we will ever be completely whole while we walk this earth, we need not look much farther than the God in whom we claim to place our hope for hope in our brokenness and healing. No, I am not saying that God is a Band-Aid for anything that ails us. Perhaps some of the brokenness we feel comes from our own decisions to choose our own way when He had other plans for us. Or maybe our hurt comes from others who chose their plans over His. Either way, He isn’t a God of trite answers to hard questions, conditional love, and quick fixes. Who better to love the broken-hearted than One whose heart was broken? Rejected and betrayed by his closest friends, cursed by the multitudes who first greeted him as king, mocked, whipped, beaten, and crucified while the Father turned a blind eye, Jesus experienced brokenness in a way that most, if not all, of us cannot even imagine! Jesus had very good reason to be bitter and to leave us in our suffering just as those He loved left Him, or even drove the nails through his hands and feet! Yet, he reaches out to us in our brokenness and offers wholeness that only He can give. He stands at the door to your heart knocking. Will you cling to your bitterness or let Him clean out the darkness, cleanse your wounds, and bring healing? Will you let your hurt rule you life or will you let Him?

Seize what?

Carpe diem! It is an oft-repeated phrase which is commonly translated "seize the day." Usually it is heard in movies right before one character or another does something he or she was afraid to do before. Or perhaps more accurately, a character does something for which he or she lacked the courage to do before. It wouldn't require courage or a pep talk if some fear didn't still reside in the confines of his soul even as he faced his fear-whether it be to bare his heart to the woman he loves or stand up to the arch-villain that has vanquished him before.

It bears mention that the phrase is part of the longer Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow," which was written by the poet Horace. The longer phrase carries a much stronger meaning as it transcends the concept of simply "seizing the day" for it it's own sake but rather, because tomorrow makes no promises. Interestingly enough, Wikipedia contains this snippet and references Isaiah 22:13 ( But see, there is joy and revelry, slaughtering of cattle and killing of sheep, eating of meat and drinking of wine! "Let us eat and drink," you say, "for tomorrow we die!"), Corinthians 15:32 (If I fought wild beasts in Ephesus for merely human reasons, what have I gained? If the dead are not raised, "Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.) and Ecclesiastes 9:7-9 ( ⁷ Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. ⁸ Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. ⁹ Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.) All three verses contain similar thoughts. We cannot know tomorrow so we are to live today.

In the light of the verses above, it is understandable that the phrase Carpe Diem is often labelled as "wordly" and at times, even "self-serving." In my opinion, that view is a simple one that fails to take into account the complexity of life. Listen to some Christians' interpretations and you might get the impression that we are drop everything and wait on God until we are clear that we are to do something. Or perhaps we shouldn't have any fun today because that is what people may do who don't have a hope for tomorrow. Perhaps we miss Solomon's words elsewhere in Ecclesiastes where he writes in chapter 2, " ²⁴ A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? ²⁶ To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." As I interpret that, we can only find satisfaction in our work if God gives it to us. The Puritanical/Ascetic view of life belongs in Scripture perhaps as much as the "prosperity gospel,' but I digress...

Don't mistake what I am saying here; I am not saying that we should live our lives seeking pleasure and fulfillment in carnal things and I am definitely not saying that there is no place to wait and discern God's will for out lives. We have no excuse in Scripture if our lives feel stuck or we feel that we are waiting without hope or purpose and there is not justification for gluttony.

What am I actually saying? I have been writing for awhile now and am in danger of missing my original point. Simply put, I believe that we are called to seize the say as Christians, but not for ourselves and for our own fulfillment but rather out of the hope for tomorrow that only can be realized in Him.

Of course that is all well and good to say but Satan has a lot to lose if Christians are living their lives to the fullest. He utilizes a barrage of techniques to divert us off course; passivity, the fear of failure or of rejection, busyness, selfishness, etc. many of us fail to move forward in our faith and in our lives because we are too passive.

A lot of Christians are taking the passive role and waiting for God to make it clear what they are to do in a neat and clean fashion. Perhaps they want Him to bring their spouse into their lives, find them someone to disciple or mentor or someone to disciple them, maybe even help them know the 'right' person to pray for and perhaps lead to Christ. Perhaps God has called them to wait, but I think that for many, the waiting has become their life rather than the joy in the day that the Lord has made. And perhaps many of us lack wisdom because we do not ask Him for it, or worse, we ask with the wrong motives. (james 4:3) God gladly gives wisdom to those who ask so perhaps we should own up to our responsibility if we are waiting for God to make the way to clear to us but we are not seeking Him. If we are waiting, we need to be "actively waiting;" doing God's will to the best of our ability no matter the relative importance or unimportance of the task at hand.

Fear is a powerful tool-both for motivating and destroying motivation. While the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 1:7), those of us who are waiting in the wings because we fear making a mistake are not living the reality that God has not given us a spirit of fear (timidity), but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7). It is pretty late so I will have to continue this at a later time...

Ramblings on love...

While I am not sure that Valentine's Day is as much about love as it is about commercialism and discrimination against flowers other than roses... In any case, I started this entry several weeks ago but I figured it was about time to release it to the world. (Or at least the few people who may actually read it-few of whom will probably have any idea what I am saying...)

Actually, this posting isn't really about Valentine's Day. It is about Love. Since the subject often leaves me confused, and frequently leaves me speechless I figured I would blog on it to see if I can make sense of anything. (though I realize that some of you may not believe that bit about my being speechless about something!). So that we start on the same page, I should note/admit that I have never been in love. I am not writing that because I am feeling sorry for myself (though that does happen at times) but rather because it serves as a sort of disclaimer. Admittedly, not having been in love myself should throw some doubt on what I am about to write on the subject. There is seldom any substitute for experience. Moving on, I have been re-reading The Four Loves by C. S. Lewis and the message at church a few weeks ago was a challenge to the Church of Ephesus who had lost their first love, so I have been thinking along these lines. Of course, in my typical way, my thoughts have wandered in various directions as well.

I am not saying that I have never loved anyone or felt love. Lest you think I am a more of a selfish wretch than I am, I do love my family and feel their love and I most assuredly have had, and do have, friends I love dearly and who love me. I do also love God, though given how little time I put into the relationship at times, it is very possible to question my devotion to Him as well. Although I believe that until I feel and experience God's Love, I can't truly love anyone else, I didn't really plan to try to address that in this entry.(That may be fodder for another blog entry at a later time.)

But more about love: I should make it clear that in my definition of love, I am not referring to crushes, including the butterflies that typically accompany interactions with women of interest, especially those I have had the pleasure of getting to know and in some cases, had the opportunity of building friendships. Beyond that, and based on my own experience, there is also a feeling that is more grounded in reality than the infatuation that typically accompanies a crush, but is not yet "being in love," -at least not as I would define it.

But back to my initial statement: "I have never been in love." Since I have written what I think it is not, it stands to reason that I should actually attempt to explain what I think it means to "be in love." Of course my definition of being in love may have very little grounding in reality. For someone who hasn't been in love to try to explain the feeling is kind of like someone who has never left their rural backwater hometown attempting to describe Times Square or Hong Kong. That said, I didn't grow up in a rural backwater and I have seen Times Square...in other words, I have seen some examples of Godly love in the lives and marriages of friends and family and that may give me some limited insight.

In trying to define what I believe love is, at least between a man and woman who are more than friends, I need to draw from my experiences that most closely approached love. While I have to admit that many of my interests over the years were more based on infatuation and did not, at least initially include the depth of respect and knowledge of the other person that is required for friendship, let alone the greater depth necessary for love, I think that some of the feelings I felt mirrored Love, if imperfectly and incompletely. There is a bit of love in the feeling that says, "You won't let me love you but I hope that you meet someone who is right for you and loves you like you deserve"-and means it. There is a bit of love in the feeling that allows you to see a woman at her worst yet gives grace anyway. There is a bit of love in the feeling that says "I want what is best for you-even if it means I won't ever see you again" and says the difficult things because they need to be said. There is a bit of love in the feeling that says, "you are beautiful, even if you can't see it and won't hear it from me." I have felt those things, as well as other feelings that I hesitate to put into words as I am not sure words would do them justice. Of course, in all but a few cases, it wasn't until I came clean with my feelings and the awkwardness passed that the relationships could mature into God-honoring friendships-some which lasted for several years and provided amazing opportunities to build up and encourage amazing women. I am grateful for the feelings anyway-regardless of the complications they caused at times.

Anyway, as I was saying, I believe that being in love is the overwhelming desire to spend your life with someone who you know and who knows you intimately (and I am not referring to knowing sexually here though sexual attraction will play a role) and who feels the same about you. But Love is far more than "being in love." Love that is based on a feeling will not last-it is like building a house on a foundation of ice. Ice is pretty strong but when things heat up, the house cannot stand. For love to be authentic, each person has to have seen the other in unlovable moments and there must be a solid friendship undergirding the entire thing. Of course, this is a very simple definition and I have left a lot out. Since love is more about action than it is about words, I think that is appropriate for now. His Love makes itself known tangibly in our lives if we have eyes to see it and I believe that love that is real does not confine or limit itself to words-even words written by poets!

"Yes Man" Part II

In my last entry, I started to get a bit caught up in semantics and decided to adjorn for a couple of days. Hopefully I can be a bit more succinct, or at least get to my point in this entry...

I was previously discussing the situations in our lives where me may say yes or no to the wrong things and I will pick up there... It seems that more often than not, the things that we say yes to aren't always the best for us. I say yes to that second piece of cake when my doctor tells me that I should be saying no. I say yes to staying up late wasting time on "I can has cheezburger.com" when I would be much better off going to bed at a reasonable time. (Not to mention that my witness is a bit better when I am not late for work and grumpy) Of course, I have said yes to a lot of good things as well-helping a coworker with something after hours so they could meet a deadline, helping someone move when I would much rather have said no and slept in, even listened to a friend who needed to talk about something when I would have rather done something else.

But to take it up a notch, how about saying yes to God? Assuming I am actually listening when God speaks, how often is my answer yes? I am embarrassed and a little saddened to say that it is a lot less than most people might think. Why? Sometimes I fail to respond because of fear or rejection or fear of failure. Sometimes I am, like CS Lewis says, "the child turning down the trip to the sea shore because I am content playing with mud pies in the yard." In other words, I say no to God because I am too busy saying yes to myself. Yes, I want that, or yes, I want this, or yes, I deserve this... you get the picture. Psalms 37:4 says Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. It kind of makes me wonder if those things that I long for are denied me by God simply because I have said no to Him. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that God is a petty god who sulks because He doesn't get His way but rather, it makes Him an amazingly patient and gracious God who longs to bless but withholds His blessing because I refuse to accept it. To be sure, God has blessed me anyway, but it does make me wonder what my life would be like if I said yes to Him and truly delighted in His working in my life and in the world around me.

Furthermore, what would my life look like if I said yes to Him in the manner that Jim Carrey's character says yes to every opportunity that comes his way in 'Yes Man?' Something tells me that my at times smaller-than-a-mustard-seed faith might be forced to grow. I might actually expect God to show up and work according to His promises rather than taking the attitude of Zachariah who basically told God, "I am too old for this. You can't give me a son now." Scripture doesn't record it this way, but Zachariah basically told God 'no, you won't either because I am beyond tired of waiting for you and frankly, you aren't working on my schedule.' Contrast that to Isaiah 6:8. When God asks him "Whom shall I send?" Isaiah responds simply with "Here I am. Send me." Isaiah didn't hem and haw, say he needed to go bury his father, make associate at his firm, find a wife, or read a couple more books of Scripture. He didn't even say "yes....but." He said yes to God and his life certainly was never the same. Of course it had its ups and downs but I think that if I could ask Isaiah what he would have done differently, I wouldn't hear him say that he wished he had pretended he didn't hear God when He told him to go. Or take Peter for instance, even though we tend to criticize him for sinking when he stepped out of the boat, he could have said no in the first place. Sure, he had little faith, but what of the other disciples? They weren't even willing to risk sinking in order to join the Lord on the waves. Perhaps we need to daily ask ourselves the following question each day: Am I saying yes to God today or yes to my own desires and my own comfort? The answer may not be one we are proud of, but His mercies are new every morning, so perhaps we should take the chance to say 'yes' anew every day.

Yes Man Part I

I watched the preview for Yes Man a week or so ago, starring Jim Carrey. While I am not a big fan of his acting, the plot line got me thinking. Essentially the film is about someone who says no to pretty much every risk and opportunity in life, and as a result, never advances in his career, never gets a date, never does much of anything at all... You get the idea. Through a turn of events taking only a few minutes of cinematography, Jim's "no man" attends a seminar, and inspired by the rally cry of "yes" begins to say yes to pretty much everything. In the case of the film, it appears that hijinks and tomfoolery ensue as he says yes to a lot of things that are downright strange-like a mail-order bride, but for those of you who might go see this movie, I will only betray my ignorance if I keep going on about a movie I haven't seen...

When I starte this entry a few weeks ago, I was thinking that as I sit at my computer in the cold, having worked late and run errands to while away most of a Monday evening, that I might do better in my 'yes' and 'no's'. In Matthew, Jesus tells us to let our yes be yes and our no be no. In other words, we are to be people of our word-a relatively simple concept but a very difficult task. Beyond that, I think that Jesus is also saying that what we say yes and no to is important.

When you look at day-to-day life, it isn't usually the single yes or no's that make the most difference. For most of us, our daily decisions involve relatively insignificant matters that even the most indecisive among us can handle: breakfast or no breakfast, striped shirt or solid color, turkey on rye or ham on wheat, etc., and ad nauseum... Of course there are those people who say yes or no at a critically right/wrong juncture and their lives are irreversibly changed by a winning lotto ticket or a foolhardy stunt gone wrong, but I think that for most of us, the "yes" and "no's" that affect our lives most profoundly are composed of the amalgous effect of a series of decisions made over an extended period of time. While that typically means that may have to work hard to break patterns of making the wrong decisions, there is come encouragement to be found in the reality that each individual decision is rarely the end-all.

But back to yes and no, yes? The reality is that for most of us, we will reach a point in our lives when we yes or no to the wrong things. Actually, for most of us, it will probably happen more than once, to varying degrees of severity, and we may even make the wrong call more often than not! Some circumstances will be so minor that will won't even realize we have made a miscue and others, if not corrected in time, may result in regrets that we may carry with us for a long time. (Especially those perfectionists among us who have perfected the art of blaming themselves for not doing quite as well as we could/should/might have, regardless of the circumstances).

So which is more important, yes or no? Obviously, saying yes to something that is clearly bad such as drug use or promiscuous sex can result in lasting, often damaging and even fatal, consequences. Saying yes to binge drinking has resulted in some people never making another decision. Of course, we have all heard the saying "Just say no to drugs." But then again, it is of little practical purpose to try to determine whether then yes or no's are more important. The reality for most of us is that a yes in one part of our lives may very well mean a no in another part, or vice versa. This is particularly relevant when we make decisions about things that are good in and of themselves but may not be the best things for us in our lives now or ever. After all, life is a fatal condition for 10 out of 10 of humans nowadays as long as Christ tarries, and we all have limited time to spend on this earth. (To be continued...)

The Answer

This is hardly new material but while I am posting songs I figured I would post some other lyrics that I put together quite awhile ago. There is not music to this and it may be too long to ever put to music but my more recent attempts haven't quite been able to resonate with people as this did.

"The Answer"

A silent conversation
For your eyes speak to me
Longing for consolation
A heart that won’t be free.
Beneath a smile you hide the pain
The constant longing in your brain
I would that you might stop and turn
To find the love for which you yearn.

But the face you wear is not your own.
The place you live is not your home.
You can’t believe the words they speak
For they know not the truth you seek.

Fragments of reality, a life on display
Is it easy to decide what mask to wear today?

Yet as you climb out of bed
Those same voices fill your head
Why even get up at all?
If you try, you’ll only fall.
Can’t find a way to drown them out
“It’s all a lie,” you want to shout.
Keeping silent one more day,
Will this existence fade away?


Chorus: For the face you wear is not your own.
The place you live is not your home.
You can’t believe the words they speak
For they know not the truth you seek.

You long just once to take a stand
But there’s a tremor in your hand.
Even though you disagree,
You quickly join the symphony.
So easy just to sing their song
Pretending always to be strong
Than to take your cross and follow
Too tough a pill for you to swallow.

(Repeat Chorus)

A heart that searching cannot find
Truth that’s hidden in your mind
Refusing just to look inside
Drowning in your hollow pride.
Finally it’s time to fall.
In the depths you hear His call
In the past you’ve pushed away
But your strength has failed today.
An invitation not declined
Look to Him and you will find,

Your face will tell you are His own
One day He’ll call you to your home.
You can believe all He does speak
For He is the Truth you seek.

Lyrics by: Richard Wilke
Rome, Italy
March 28, 2002

"I"

This is a song I put together 3/10/07 and I figured it was about time to share it... It is pretty simple but sometimes simple is the best way to make a point.

I

v. 1

Another day of falling on my face,
Of feeling out of place
Trying just to find my way
As I stumble day by day
Trapped between the walls these hands have made.

Chorus:
Who I am, is not who I want to be,
Is not who I planned to be,
I can’t discern the plans You have for me.
Who I am, is not who I try to be
Is not who I hope to be
When I look in the mirror, I don’t like who I see

v.2
And I know You’re working to complete
The works that You’ve begun in me
Yet when I look around,
I find my hope is found
Only in what I see in me.

Chorus

Bridge:

But my eyes can only see so far
For my vision’s clouded by
All that is within me that doesn’t come from You.

v.3
It is only when I realize
That I cannot see but through your eyes
The wondrous life You’ve made in me
That in your presence I might be,
A glorious work of Your hands, if only I could understand…

Chorus (modified)

That who I am, is not who I want to be
But Your Grace surrounds me
For I am uniquely created to live within Your love.
Who I am I is not who I try to be,
From my striving set me free
That I may live the life You gave to me.

Passion and Dreams

This is an entry I have started twice before but didn't get to a point where it made sense to post it. I was feeling particularly introspective this evening so I decided it was time to get this up to speed...

About a month ago, I heard messages at church and at Exit that talked a bit about dreams, and I got thinking a bit about the topic. It isn't that I don't periodically think about dreams, it is more that the typical goings-on in my life often occupy my thoughts and leave precious little time much else. Ironically, I find that now my opportunities to do a lot of very interesting things that I could not even imagined at a young age have expanded dramatically, yet much of the time my dreams seem to have largely got lost in the shuffle.

I remember some of the dreams I had as a little kid: wanting to be a firefighter, a spy, a policeman, especially nwanting to drive that big piece of heavy machinery (some things haven't changed much since I think it would be fun to drive a Caterpillar Dozer at least once or dig a big hole with an excavator.)

But, back to my present line of thought... I don't really see a need to discuss the current daily cares and worries of work and life that can so often occupy my mind but I do think if I don't take some time to dream, there is a big piece of my life that is missing.

Someone asked me the other day what I hoped to accomplish in my career as a Landscape Architect and I was somewhat surprised to realize that I am not exactly sure. I know that they say that people with goals are more apt to achieve them, but I think that currently I am happy to be enjoying my job and doing something that I really feel makes a difference. Granted, I am not designing parks or grand public spaces (I am not designing much of anything) nor am I laying out new towns or urban centers as I would assume those more advanced in my profession may be doing. Perhaps my dream is simply to do my work well and be part of projects about which I am proud. Of course, I do desire to do my part in creating a generation of designers who are astute in balancing the reality of construction with the freedom of pure design. How to go about doing that is, at this point, still well beyond my reach.

I wonder if my many interests are a part of the problem. If I were obsessed with sailing, I might simply want to circumnavigate the globe. Or I might have Jonny Bench's obsession and passion to be the best catcher in the history of the game of baseball. At this point, it is hard enough for me to delve into the many things about which I am passionate: art, music, photography, woodworking, the outdoors, kayaking, sailing... I could keep going on but I am actually going off in a direction that I wasn't planning to take.

I think that more important than knowing all of my dreams right at this moment is considering what could happen if I trust God to bring those that are part of His plan to fruition. For example,
My career isn't as I had dreamed it would be but the fact that I am still growing and learning gives me hope that I will dream bigger dreams and accomplish more. As recently as a year ago I dreamt of a job that would engage my talents and keep me challenged and right now I have part of that. I suppose I could focus on the things I don't have but it may simply be better for me to focus on the hope that God really does mean what He says when He tells us that "He will give us the desires of our hearts." The challenge therein is that we are not always keyed in to what our hearts are really saying. To make matters worse, it seems that many of us prefer to live in the deferred dreams of our past rather than moving forward to our future. In the new Indiana Jones movie there is a comment regarding how much of life which could be lived is spent instead in waiting. While I may have minced the quotation, the point is still clear. We are to go after our dreams or we may forever regret not doing so. How does this translate in my life? Perhaps it means learning a new skill that I might not be able to master or perhaps it simply means breaking out of the safety of the known and expected. While I am not sure what this exactly looks like, I think that there is something in there about my daring to believe that God can use me in my imperfection to be a blessing to a special woman in a lasting relationship. Going along with that, it means trusting Him that there is a woman who will have enough grace and patience to help me get to that point of being in a committed relationship. It is far easier to focus on my own failures and limitations than it is to focus on His grace and possibilities. Perhaps it is time for a serious "I" exam...

Say what?

Far from being the intro to a rap song or something of that nature, the title of my post is more accurately the reflection of a source of frustration this evening. It is no secret to the majority of people who have made my acquaintance that i like to talk. I would guess that it might take awhile for a conscientious searcher to find someone who could say, with a straight face, that I am quick to the point and that brevity is one of my strengths. While I do enjoy the ability to discuss practically anything and being generally able to converse on a semi-intelligent level about subjects about which I know very little, my primary source of frustration may actually have been exacerbated by my extensive vocabulary. As reason would have it, I expect that I could express myself with some degree of clarity. It seemed; however, that the harder I tried to be concise, the more words I used to say even less.

Admittedly, I was pretty tired this evening. Even a frou-frou frappacino drink did little to keep me alert and awake but perhaps that was due to the crash of the accompanying sugar high. In any case, I am digressing. As I was saying, I was frustrated by my inability to articulate myself this evening in a way that I felt adequately stated what I was thinking in a way that was at least somewhat coherent. In the scheme of things, this evening is of little significance except that it gets me thinking of how frequently I am unable to say what I thinking in words that make sense to the person to whom I am speaking. It is especially ironic as so many of my positions, both professionally and as a volunteer leader, have been in liaison role. I guess that the all-to-common breakdowns in my ability to clearly convey a message that is important to me are a good reminder that we all are learning to be clearer. I just would like to learn faster...

What's mine isn't?

One of my favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. I have read several of his books and though his thought process goes a lot deeper than even mine typically does, I enjoy pulling his quotes periodically when I need something particularly worthwhile to think about rather than typical mundane concerns that fill many of my days. One I came across recently was "Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours." If you can excuse the double negative, this statement carries a lot more meaning than you might speculate at first glance.

Rephrased slightly, it reads "That which is really yours is only what you have given away." It seems a contradictory statement. How can I possess that which I have given to someone else? Do I have to give something and take it back? It certainly doesn't seem like a sound economic policy. It is kind of funny how many of us define ourselves by what we owe. I like my car and my laptop and my camera and I like having a job that allows me to afford them but somehow I don't think that if I gave them away they would still be mine. Perhaps it is my narrow focus on the meaning of giving that makes it hard for me to understand this statement of Lewis' or perhaps I do understand it but prefer to act as if I don't. There is a song that goes "if you love somebody, set them free." While I am not particularly a fan of that song, I think it gets closer to the meaning of Lewis' words than I might like to think. Love cannot flourish when we try to make the person we love live according to our desires and wishes. When we have healthy relationships with others there is a big portion of them that must remain theirs. They aren't us and we aren't them, no matter how long we have been friends and how many mannerisms we have shared through spending time together over the years. As Thomas Merton wrote, "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” In other words, we cannot love others if we do not give them our love with the freedom to be who they are. We must give to love.

Furthermore, we may claim to love God, but how much of our lives do we withhold from His control? Perhaps it is our career that we are afraid He may ask us to change or our relationships He may want us to subject to his guidance. Perhaps it is that guilt we might harbor from something in our past or a success that we want all the credit for. Maybe it is our hopes and dreams that we fear He will push aside if we let Him. Interesting how fear finds its way in to so many reasons. Often people who seek to control others fear that if they don't, they will be left on their own. Ironically, our selfish nature typically has the same result if we let it rule our lives. We will eventually find ourselves alone. So why is fear such a motivator for so many of us? That may be a question for another posting.

Love is dangerous...

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.

-The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis

Reflection on Valentine's Day

I think that people fall into three basic categories on Valentine’s Day: those who like sending and/or receiving sappy cards, those who like sending and/or receiving sarcastic cards, and those who would prefer to ignore the entire day and prefer to keep Hallmark out of the loop. Admittedly, the three categories may have some overlap as we may alternate between feelings from year to year, or even minute-by-minute but as this really isn’t an essential point to ponder, I will move on…

Those who know me very well know that I am not particularly a fan of Valentine’s Day and probably fit mostly in the second category above. When I was younger there was a time when I carefully crafted handmade valentines for friends and family, but at some point in my childhood I learned that Valentine’s Day was more than just giving out Valentines. As I progressed through middle school and high school, I learned that the “holiday” was an opportune time to send flowers to your crush or significant other. 

 Whether or not I got involved in the flower exchanges it was difficult to miss that certain girls got more flowers than others and flowers from certain guys were more important than flowers from others.

The idea the Valentine’s Day was an opportunity to show love to those I care about was slowly replaced by the idea that Valentine’s Day didn’t have much of a purpose if I didn’t have someone to whom to send a carnation or a box of conversation hearts. I can’t really speak for the girls but I don’t think those who went home without a flower enjoyed the day either. To be sure, the gifts were items of little value but the feelings that accompanied them-those of acceptance and desirability or those of rejection and disappointment-often remained long after the candy was gone and the flowers wilted and thrown away. For some, they perhaps have remained to this day.

“But that is just a childhood remembrance,” you say, “What difference does it make in my life now?” Perhaps it makes no difference to some but I think that many of us approach Valentine’s Day (and more significantly, relationships in general) with some of the same feelings that we experienced in those adolescent valentine exchanges. Hopefully we look and act very differently than we did as children but Valentine’s Day can bring forth feelings that we might rather ignore. Don’t believe me? Do you identify with the girl who receives so many flowers from admirers that she has a huge bouquet or perhaps the girl who goes home year after year empty-handed? Do you identify more with the guy who buys flowers for a special girl, knowing she will be the envy of her girlfriends, or instead with the guy who doesn’t feel that any girl would appreciate or perhaps even accept any small token of interest from him?

In other words, on this Valentine’s Day are you more apt to feel loved or unloved, desired or overlooked?  

All too often for many of us, Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder of what we don’t have and perhaps what we may even feel we don’t deserve. But maybe we get it wrong by looking too closely at ourselves. Who said that we deserve love anyway? Scripture is pretty clear that all of us fall short of the standard that God has set for us and the only thing we deserve according to His law is death. …but that isn’t the end of the story either. John 3:16 explains: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” In other words, we deserved death, but God gives us love. 

So what does this mean for you Valentine’s Day? Is it significant to you that God, who formed us and knows all of talents and our faults, loves us with such passion? Should it affect how we love others and receive love this Valentine’s Day? How about how we view and love ourselves? Does the knowledge that you are loved by the Creator who calls you ‘wonderfully made’ give you hope that He could bring someone into your life to whom He has a given a glimpse of the man or woman He is forming you to be? (For some of you married or soon-to-be-non-singles reading this, He may have already done so)

Perhaps Valentine’s Day is just an opportunity for florists, candy makers, restaurateurs, and card companies, or perhaps it is an opportunity to let God love us and to love those around us to the best of our ability with His help. The decision is up to you and it isn’t one to make only on Valentine’s Day, but every day.