While I am not sure that Valentine's Day is as much about love as it is about commercialism and discrimination against flowers other than roses... In any case, I started this entry several weeks ago but I figured it was about time to release it to the world. (Or at least the few people who may actually read it-few of whom will probably have any idea what I am saying...)
Actually, this posting isn't really about Valentine's Day. It is about Love. Since the subject often leaves me confused, and frequently leaves me speechless I figured I would blog on it to see if I can make sense of anything. (though I realize that some of you may not believe that bit about my being speechless about something!). So that we start on the same page, I should note/admit that I have never been in love. I am not writing that because I am feeling sorry for myself (though that does happen at times) but rather because it serves as a sort of disclaimer. Admittedly, not having been in love myself should throw some doubt on what I am about to write on the subject. There is seldom any substitute for experience. Moving on, I have been re-reading The Four Loves by C. S. Lewis and the message at church a few weeks ago was a challenge to the Church of Ephesus who had lost their first love, so I have been thinking along these lines. Of course, in my typical way, my thoughts have wandered in various directions as well.
I am not saying that I have never loved anyone or felt love. Lest you think I am a more of a selfish wretch than I am, I do love my family and feel their love and I most assuredly have had, and do have, friends I love dearly and who love me. I do also love God, though given how little time I put into the relationship at times, it is very possible to question my devotion to Him as well. Although I believe that until I feel and experience God's Love, I can't truly love anyone else, I didn't really plan to try to address that in this entry.(That may be fodder for another blog entry at a later time.)
But more about love: I should make it clear that in my definition of love, I am not referring to crushes, including the butterflies that typically accompany interactions with women of interest, especially those I have had the pleasure of getting to know and in some cases, had the opportunity of building friendships. Beyond that, and based on my own experience, there is also a feeling that is more grounded in reality than the infatuation that typically accompanies a crush, but is not yet "being in love," -at least not as I would define it.
But back to my initial statement: "I have never been in love." Since I have written what I think it is not, it stands to reason that I should actually attempt to explain what I think it means to "be in love." Of course my definition of being in love may have very little grounding in reality. For someone who hasn't been in love to try to explain the feeling is kind of like someone who has never left their rural backwater hometown attempting to describe Times Square or Hong Kong. That said, I didn't grow up in a rural backwater and I have seen Times Square...in other words, I have seen some examples of Godly love in the lives and marriages of friends and family and that may give me some limited insight.
In trying to define what I believe love is, at least between a man and woman who are more than friends, I need to draw from my experiences that most closely approached love. While I have to admit that many of my interests over the years were more based on infatuation and did not, at least initially include the depth of respect and knowledge of the other person that is required for friendship, let alone the greater depth necessary for love, I think that some of the feelings I felt mirrored Love, if imperfectly and incompletely. There is a bit of love in the feeling that says, "You won't let me love you but I hope that you meet someone who is right for you and loves you like you deserve"-and means it. There is a bit of love in the feeling that allows you to see a woman at her worst yet gives grace anyway. There is a bit of love in the feeling that says "I want what is best for you-even if it means I won't ever see you again" and says the difficult things because they need to be said. There is a bit of love in the feeling that says, "you are beautiful, even if you can't see it and won't hear it from me." I have felt those things, as well as other feelings that I hesitate to put into words as I am not sure words would do them justice. Of course, in all but a few cases, it wasn't until I came clean with my feelings and the awkwardness passed that the relationships could mature into God-honoring friendships-some which lasted for several years and provided amazing opportunities to build up and encourage amazing women. I am grateful for the feelings anyway-regardless of the complications they caused at times.
Anyway, as I was saying, I believe that being in love is the overwhelming desire to spend your life with someone who you know and who knows you intimately (and I am not referring to knowing sexually here though sexual attraction will play a role) and who feels the same about you. But Love is far more than "being in love." Love that is based on a feeling will not last-it is like building a house on a foundation of ice. Ice is pretty strong but when things heat up, the house cannot stand. For love to be authentic, each person has to have seen the other in unlovable moments and there must be a solid friendship undergirding the entire thing. Of course, this is a very simple definition and I have left a lot out. Since love is more about action than it is about words, I think that is appropriate for now. His Love makes itself known tangibly in our lives if we have eyes to see it and I believe that love that is real does not confine or limit itself to words-even words written by poets!
