Insecurely Confident

You’ve probably seen it:  A flaming building, a woman trapped on the second floor and screaming for help.  One fireman more brave than the rest runs into the building as it collapses around him.  He rescues the woman, a beautiful brunette, and you expect them to kiss when something else draws her attention.  She hands the fireman’s jacket back to him absentmindedly and runs toward the astronaut who is walking toward her.  “Nothing beats an astronaut,” the video narrator says. If my description didn’t paint a vivid enough picture, here is the ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjzGaSQX0iU

So why do I mention a rather silly advertisement?  Both it, a different version in which a lifeguard wrestles a shark to save another model, and one where Neil Patrick Harris loses out to a man in a space suit illustrate a point I hear over and over: Women are attracted to confident men.  While I am not sure I agree that it takes more confidence to go into space than it does to run into a burning building or to wrestle (and punch) a shark, the point is well made.

Webster’s Dictionary defines trust as follows:

1. Trust or faith in a person or thing.

2. A trusting relationship

3. a. That which is confided; a secret  b. A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.

Interestingly enough, in the dictionary I consulted for the above definition, the entry immediately following is “confidence game,” defined as “a swindle in which the victim is defrauded after her or her confidence has been won.”  So often our confidence is a counterfeit. We expend a tremendous amount of energy to appear confident, usually to earn the respect, indeed the confidence, of others.  We play a sort of “confidence game” with those around us and in the process defraud them and ourselves.  Or, perhaps knowing our own shortcomings all too well, we place our confidence in others who aren’t strong enough to keep it or perhaps have no right to it.

That is not to say that confidence, when appropriately placed, is a bad thing but when our confidence is borrowed from other insecure people or our own success it is built on a foundation that will eventually fail. The friends who have been at our side through thick and thin will not always come through.  A brave, well-trained firefighter may rescue a child from a burning building but other brave men have ran into buildings only to be carried out one last time.

Pride and confidence are often difficult to discern from each other.   To expound on the firefighter example, a firefighter may have the legitimate confidence built on training, experience, and specialized equipment but those things will not protect him if his respect for the power of fire is buried under a coat of bravado and he begins to act as if he cannot be burned simply due to his bravery.  Just as courage is not the absence of fear, confidence is not the absence of doubt or apprehension.  It is not coincidence that we are more willing to admit our doubts to those who have earned our confidence-those we trust.

Thus we come full circle to Webster’s definition of confidence: “Trust or faith in a person or thing.”  It is a critical clue in the confidence riddle.  Confidence that is not counterfeit can be founded only on trust.  Furthermore, our trust must be in something or someone that is trustworthy.  If I have confidence that the ladder is safe but it isn’t set up properly, I am going to fall. 

In scripture we see the actions of those whose confidence was rooted in the one who needs not the approval of any man or woman.  Many of them were often afraid.  Some, notably Elijah, Jonah, and David had to run away from things or people they feared.  God wasn’t particularly concerned with their confidence in their own ability.  In fact, Scripture seems to indicate that He got really tired of people taking credit for His work and giving him none.  Don’t get me wrong, He doesn’t need our approval but when we put our confidence, indeed out trust, in Him He may very well use us beyond our natural ability.  How else can you explain a drunkard (Noah) chosen to continue the lineage of man on the earth?  Or a stuttering murderer (Moses) leading God’s chosen people out of slavery?  How about the weakest man of the weakest tribe (Gideon) leading a force of 300 men against an army of thousands and winning?  Or a man who led his people around a fortified city for days before attacking it with trumpets and a shout? (Joshua)  If you prefer New Testament examples, Paul was so qualified that God had to throw him off a horse and make him temporarily blind to begin using him.  Peter denied he even knew Jesus yet spoke boldly when the Spirit descended on him.

So I suppose that the question we may need to ask is If you are lacking confidence, is it perhaps because your own confidence is built on a foundation of your own making?  Perhaps it is worth attracting a woman who wants a man whose confidence comes from a wellspring deeper and fuller than his own heart.

Singular Rejection

I’ve been sitting around the house for several days now fighting a cold and learning a lot about the workings of London’s motorways and The Tube via British documentaries.  I finally decided this evening to challenge myself a bit and visited a rather conservative Christian singles site, hoping for some sage advice.  Unfortunately the first post I read was this one:  http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2013/why-it-is-not-good-to-be-alone  While I agree that it isn’t good to be alone, I take issue with a lot of the assumptions of the writer.  For example, I am bothered by his repeating the notion that single guys live in fantasy worlds playing video games and miss out on gaining maturity because they are single.  I personally hate video games and I know married guys who play them, but that is a minor point.  I’ve seen a certain maturity in many of my married friends that probably didn’t come about until they got married but it is frustrating to be judged yet again for being single, especially based on predominantly false assumptions.

It seems that the most rejection and judgment I feel is a result of my being single.  Sure, there was rejection by my peers in middle and high school and sometimes in college and, unless you are one of the very few, all of us have experienced the rejection of unsuccessfully asking out a woman, but there is something that makes everyone qualified to judge you for being single.

It is kind of funny that my experiences with the Church varied from single-sex bible studies in college and Campus Crusade’s view that the contact between women and men should be minimized unless they were actually in a relationship (or serving on leadership) to the view of most churches today that seems to be somewhere along the lines of “why aren’t you married? and “Why would you need a singles ministry? [grow up]

But I suppose that the reason the post that set me off in the first place is less the unfair points it makes and more a reaction to the continual feedback I get in regards to my singleness.  After all, some of the key points in the post are spot on. “Men are called to take initiative in finding a wife. If called to marriage — and most men are — they should, when mature and ready, leave their childhood home. They should pray to God for a wife, and they should seek one with a balance of wisdom, trust and assertiveness.”

That’s all well and good but for those of us who are still seeking, or those on whom perhaps God has a lot more work to do, what do we get?  Commonly it is rejection:  Rejection from parents whose frustration with our insecurities over dating false starts implies that they don’t think we’ll ever manage to enter into a successful relationship, rejection from people who say we are too picky,  and the rejection from being constantly told to try this or that online dating site.  And if those aren’t enough, there are inevitably, the married friends who want to set you up with their single friends.  (Of course the latter is really a compliment but it never feels that way!) 

In the church it isn’t much better.  A lot of times, single people can get the impression that we are incomplete in the eyes of the church.  Then again, there is the minority view that being single is better, AKA Paul’s writing about staying single to not have divided responsibilities in ministry, that isn’t much more palatable.  It loosely translates to the “Single people have more time to serve,” view.  It may be true but I think that the dangerous assumption most often made is that single people may or may not be happy with their singleness and just as importantly, they may or may not want to remain single. 

And of course, as with this posting, there are those who say that single guys need to mature and grow up so they can get married and have impact.  If I had a dollar for every sermon I’ve heard about guys needing to grow up and “be a man” I’d be rich in a monetary sense as well as nominally.  (Then again,
“Be a man” was my high school’s motto.)  I’ve yet to hear a sermon to women along the lines of “Love isn’t written by Disney,” or perhaps more useful, “If you are looking for your man to fail you, he will.”  Please don’t get me wrong, I have the honor of earning the trust of more than a few amazing women whose hearts have been ripped to shreds by guys who weren’t willing to be men.  I am not asking for a “free pass” for those men but someone needs to teach women in the church to better see through the men who are better at initiating then they are at being trustworthy!

Sadly, as a guy it is easy to feel rejection from the women of the church, too.  Most single women in the church are fed up from guys not taking initiative and that anger, hurt, or frustration can sometimes be misdirected at other single men around them.  I was recently called an idiot for not pursuing a wonderful woman who I had the misfortune of thinking highly of but not being interested in.  Admittedly, this particular friend probably had other, legitimate reasons for calling me an idiot but I mention it since it wouldn’t be the first time that someone tried to tell me my interests!

I am, as I am sometimes wont to do, getting away from the heart of the matter.  Perhaps it is because a discussion of the shortcomings of others or intellectual consideration is much easier than an examination of my own heart.  The reality is that I don’t take feedback regarding my singleness well because it is my biggest source of personal rejection.  Rejection from others is typically a lot less meaningful when we’ve accepted ourselves or know we are accepted by someone whose opinion matter more to us.  In my case, after 15 or so years of bumbling efforts at relationships, something that is all too easy to dwell on my lack of any longstanding dating relationships. I’ve had opportunities to know some amazing women and I am not un-thankful for that.  I am not sorry that I don’t have many failed dating relationships and, at least to my knowledge, I haven’t deeply hurt many women though that process.  That said, and especially now that I am finally at a point in my life when I can’t ignore that I do have a lot to offer, I keep coming back to the feeling that I am single because there is something profoundly wrong with me.  It is for that reason that unwanted feedback from others about how I can fix my singleness feels so much like rejection.  After all, I agree with the poster who writes that, by remaining single, we miss out on maturity, companionship, pleasure, and exhilaration in our lives.  I’d certainly like more of those (except at times, maturity) but if all it takes is initiative from me, I’ve apparently got more than a little improvement to make! That gets a bit overwhelming and the temptation is to throw in the towel before I've even started.  Here comes that feeling of rejection all over again! ...or perhaps it was never entirely up to me and there is some trust involved?

Remembering Lois...a reminder from the weather.

This is not like one of my typical entries as I hand wrote it on July 6th and am only getting it online today.  I thought it was worth sharing though as the week prior we shared our memories of Lois Barnes Hubbell Reed in a flotilla on the Lake during a lull in the rain.  I've struggled to put my thoughts on her passing last October into writing but her memory remains with me so I thought I'd share.

July 6, 2013

Everyone except for me have left the Lake and as the sun once again struggles to burn through the gray, cloudy, sky I sit, wondering whether to try to get in a hike before the evening fireworks and the less pleasant task of buttoning things up for my departure to the heat of Maryland.  For now, I listen to the birds surprisingly loud songs and the waves breaking on the rocky shoreline.

The last few days have been mostly sunny, though it has rained consistently an in great quantity this spring and early summer.  The lake is closer to Memorial Day weekend levels and is only slowly receding down the steps.  The walk to the house has become a game of mud avoidance with success unlikely.

I cannot help but wonder if the rain is a tearful goodbye to Lois, a woman whose love for this place, not matter the weather, has become so deeply ingrained in her children and so many others who have had the opportunity to know her and know this place.  I realize that it is foolish to think that the old brown house, the birches, balsam, and hemlocks, the lean-to, the Lake, and even the mountains with their ever-changing hues cannot miss her as they are  cannot create, but only remind us of her in the stories to which they were participants.  Just a few that come to mind are the bear on the shack, winter ski trips with Evan, Lois and Ed in the bunkhouse, the time Evan and I got in trouble for building a hot dog fire too big, the springform pan that had a mind of its own and had no intention of holding in a cake, canoe-turned swimming trips when the wind decided to act up, watching the rain come down the lake from the front porch, and of course countless stories shared in the uncomfortable seats of the lean-to. Those same stories live on in our hearts and, we hope, will continue in the hearts of our children when our journey is no longer earth-bound.

We have Lois no longer in person but the experiences shared with her in this place are written on the pages of our lives forming a foundation that may someday impact others as she impacted our own.  Perhaps those who never knew Lois can still know her through us.  Music, poetry, art, horticulture, travel, the outdoors, cooking, and of course moving rocks, were things she loved and we will continue to love, though admittedly I think the Adirondacks are better at growing rocks than we are at moving them!  I will think of Lois whenever I write poetry, whether it be good or slant.  The shifting blues, greens, and grays of the mountains and the innumerable colors of the lake at sunrise or sunset and the delicate, yet courageous flowers along the trail and roadside will bring me back to the times we enjoyed them together.  My career is, at least in part, the result of her encouraging the curiosity of a young boy who wanted to know the name of every plant along the trail.  (A young boy who always wanted to lead the hike too, much to the chagrin and general annoyance of Grandpa Ed, who also liked to be first!)  I like to think that the way I am learning to see light as a photographer is something she helped me to see when she pointed out the colors in the Adirondack landscape or captured them in her watercolors.  

Lois left behind a legacy of independent (often stubborn), creative, thinkers.  I hope that we can rise to the challenge she set with her life of loving people for who they are and taking others' shortcomings as personal affronts.  Perhaps we can help others see beauty in life that she continued to see, even as her eyes were no longer as sharp as they once were.  She would not, I think, say that we owe that too her as she wasn't one to make a fuss about herself.  I do think that we honor her by living our lives to do the things she encouraged us to do and to at least try to be as selfless as she.  All I know is that if I am remembered as fondly upon my passing, hopefully many years from now, I think I will have lived a life in Lois' example.

Love Misplaced

So I was looking through a big box of old receipts, bills and other miscellaneous paperwork and I came across a letter I’d written to a woman more than a few years ago and never sent.  Actually, it was part of a series of written attempts to express my feelings, all of which I thought I’d disposed of by now.  This was an early attempt and like the later ones, I never actually managed to make it say what I wanted to say.  In the scheme of things, it is no great importance.  We eventually came to an understanding and my suspicion that my feelings were unrequited was confirmed.  Yet, when I came across the letter yesterday I was unable to toss it in the pile with years-old Panera Bread receipts and old envelopes. 

I gave it a quick read and wasn’t sorry that I’d not sent it.  For one, I had later found out that when I was writing it would have been a very inopportune time to send it.  Beyond that, it seems to me now an immature and needy piece of work.  There is too much of my own insecurity in it.  Perhaps it betrayed the rejection I’d already felt but it doesn’t convey the feelings that were driving me crazy: the doubts and insecurities, the faint and ultimately false hopes that she’d feel the same, and most importantly, how crazy I was about this woman I thought I knew well enough to love.

Okay, so love is probably not the right term here.  I’d say infatuation was clearly at work but history has not shown the things for which I held the woman to high esteem to be untrue, so there may have been some substance of love.   Some might have said that I was in love with the idea of being in love but to me that concept seems really silly.  In reality, the letter wasn’t a love letter but more of a “I think you’re swell and here’s some non-threatening reasons why” with some “I’d like to get to know you better” thrown in for a rather tepid result.  Mercifully, it doesn’t say “Hey, I’m stalking you and am going to be impossible to avoid until you agree to go out with me or take out a restraining order” but nor does it say “Hey I really dig you and your smile makes me unable to think clearly.”   (maybe that’s creepy too?)

So, right about now if you are still reading you may be asking where I am going with this… I actually found two letters and already tossed the first one.  It, perhaps, held the clue as to why the letters remain long after the chance of relationship has been long over.  I made it clear in the first attempt, which I wisely abandoned, that it was because my feelings were driving me nuts that I felt the need to share them.  In the second, more complete, letter, it isn’t said explicitly but it is really all about me.  Knowing what I know now, I don’t think it would have mattered what I wrote since her heart wasn’t looking for what mine wanted to offer.  What does strike me though, is how unlike love the message conveyed in the letter actually was.  I have to admit that it, like most of my awkward college infatuations were the result of my wanting something I didn’t understand.  In some cases, I think of some of the women I’d hoped to attract and wonder how I could have been so blind to obvious roadblocks. Time does sometimes make us wiser and just because we love someone doesn’t mean that we are meant to spend our lives with them.   The latter point is especially true when we love someone who doesn’t love us in the same manner or perhaps at all.  

In “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band, the lyrics seem to ring true to my experience:

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
Love stinks

I can laugh at the song but when it comes to romantic love, perhaps it resonates a bit too well with how I actually feel.  After all, it is sometimes easier to joke about things we wouldn’t admit to in a serious conversation.  The song goes on to say:

Two by two and side by side
Love's gonna find you yes it is
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly
It's gonna soar
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is
Love stinks

Even to the jaded, it seems that love is inescapable.  That reality seems to be especially frustrating for those of use who’d like to be Casanova but tend to be Charlie Brown instead. Charlie Brown is basically a good guy but he spent all that time interested in the little red-haired girl but never got to know her. (Disclosure: One of the first women I ever liked was a little red-haired childhood friend of mine.  She is now a red-haired woman and we long ago learned that we are much better suited as friends.)   To make things more frustrating, God seems to have played a bit of a joke on our human understanding of romantic love, Eros.  To loosely paraphrase C. S. Lewis, one lover may be in love and the other is not and then they switch roles.  It is a joke at our expense and it kind of stinks.  And to think that Seth Justman and Peter Wolf of the J. Geils Band seem to have understood it the same way!

To stop there is an injustice for if love is only what I need, than it is far from complete.  This truth may be more eloquently expressed by the words of C. S. Lewis in The Four Loves:

“Need-love says of a woman, "I cannot live without her"; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection...appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.”

It seems to me, (and I must write seems as I am a long way from practicing this truth) that my love life would be far more enjoyable if I could bypass the question of whether a woman is willing or able to reciprocate my feelings and instead be thankful for the opportunity to have known her at all.  If I look at most of my past interests, they’ve not really progressed beyond the first state of need-love-at least until it was clear that no hope of a relationship other than friendship was to be had.  Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I wasn’t looking just to what I could get from the relationship.  I had the opportunity to get to know and, in my better moments, encourage women whose hearts attracted me and I wanted the honor of knowing more.  Unfortunately the way I eventually shared my feelings was mostly about me; I needed to get my feelings out in the open so I wouldn’t have to analyze them anymore and they wouldn’t drive ME crazy.  It was of little consequence until later when I sometimes realized that my timing was hardly appropriate and my delivery could have been better-designed so give credibility to the feelings I was struggling to profess.  After all, I chose to analyze rather than live and see where the road took me.

When I look back on them, my feelings did not get far past my own needs I suppose.  As Lewis makes clear, love must be more than just that, indeed it must be even beyond appreciation alone.  I am not saying that we are to put any woman we love on a pedestal to be admired but never known.  I am saying that a thankful heart, enriched by the experience of knowing others who helped bring it to life, seems a far more appealing prospect to the selfish, me-centered heart that seems to prefer analysis and fear to authenticity and vulnerability.