Passion and Dreams

This is an entry I have started twice before but didn't get to a point where it made sense to post it. I was feeling particularly introspective this evening so I decided it was time to get this up to speed...

About a month ago, I heard messages at church and at Exit that talked a bit about dreams, and I got thinking a bit about the topic. It isn't that I don't periodically think about dreams, it is more that the typical goings-on in my life often occupy my thoughts and leave precious little time much else. Ironically, I find that now my opportunities to do a lot of very interesting things that I could not even imagined at a young age have expanded dramatically, yet much of the time my dreams seem to have largely got lost in the shuffle.

I remember some of the dreams I had as a little kid: wanting to be a firefighter, a spy, a policeman, especially nwanting to drive that big piece of heavy machinery (some things haven't changed much since I think it would be fun to drive a Caterpillar Dozer at least once or dig a big hole with an excavator.)

But, back to my present line of thought... I don't really see a need to discuss the current daily cares and worries of work and life that can so often occupy my mind but I do think if I don't take some time to dream, there is a big piece of my life that is missing.

Someone asked me the other day what I hoped to accomplish in my career as a Landscape Architect and I was somewhat surprised to realize that I am not exactly sure. I know that they say that people with goals are more apt to achieve them, but I think that currently I am happy to be enjoying my job and doing something that I really feel makes a difference. Granted, I am not designing parks or grand public spaces (I am not designing much of anything) nor am I laying out new towns or urban centers as I would assume those more advanced in my profession may be doing. Perhaps my dream is simply to do my work well and be part of projects about which I am proud. Of course, I do desire to do my part in creating a generation of designers who are astute in balancing the reality of construction with the freedom of pure design. How to go about doing that is, at this point, still well beyond my reach.

I wonder if my many interests are a part of the problem. If I were obsessed with sailing, I might simply want to circumnavigate the globe. Or I might have Jonny Bench's obsession and passion to be the best catcher in the history of the game of baseball. At this point, it is hard enough for me to delve into the many things about which I am passionate: art, music, photography, woodworking, the outdoors, kayaking, sailing... I could keep going on but I am actually going off in a direction that I wasn't planning to take.

I think that more important than knowing all of my dreams right at this moment is considering what could happen if I trust God to bring those that are part of His plan to fruition. For example,
My career isn't as I had dreamed it would be but the fact that I am still growing and learning gives me hope that I will dream bigger dreams and accomplish more. As recently as a year ago I dreamt of a job that would engage my talents and keep me challenged and right now I have part of that. I suppose I could focus on the things I don't have but it may simply be better for me to focus on the hope that God really does mean what He says when He tells us that "He will give us the desires of our hearts." The challenge therein is that we are not always keyed in to what our hearts are really saying. To make matters worse, it seems that many of us prefer to live in the deferred dreams of our past rather than moving forward to our future. In the new Indiana Jones movie there is a comment regarding how much of life which could be lived is spent instead in waiting. While I may have minced the quotation, the point is still clear. We are to go after our dreams or we may forever regret not doing so. How does this translate in my life? Perhaps it means learning a new skill that I might not be able to master or perhaps it simply means breaking out of the safety of the known and expected. While I am not sure what this exactly looks like, I think that there is something in there about my daring to believe that God can use me in my imperfection to be a blessing to a special woman in a lasting relationship. Going along with that, it means trusting Him that there is a woman who will have enough grace and patience to help me get to that point of being in a committed relationship. It is far easier to focus on my own failures and limitations than it is to focus on His grace and possibilities. Perhaps it is time for a serious "I" exam...

Say what?

Far from being the intro to a rap song or something of that nature, the title of my post is more accurately the reflection of a source of frustration this evening. It is no secret to the majority of people who have made my acquaintance that i like to talk. I would guess that it might take awhile for a conscientious searcher to find someone who could say, with a straight face, that I am quick to the point and that brevity is one of my strengths. While I do enjoy the ability to discuss practically anything and being generally able to converse on a semi-intelligent level about subjects about which I know very little, my primary source of frustration may actually have been exacerbated by my extensive vocabulary. As reason would have it, I expect that I could express myself with some degree of clarity. It seemed; however, that the harder I tried to be concise, the more words I used to say even less.

Admittedly, I was pretty tired this evening. Even a frou-frou frappacino drink did little to keep me alert and awake but perhaps that was due to the crash of the accompanying sugar high. In any case, I am digressing. As I was saying, I was frustrated by my inability to articulate myself this evening in a way that I felt adequately stated what I was thinking in a way that was at least somewhat coherent. In the scheme of things, this evening is of little significance except that it gets me thinking of how frequently I am unable to say what I thinking in words that make sense to the person to whom I am speaking. It is especially ironic as so many of my positions, both professionally and as a volunteer leader, have been in liaison role. I guess that the all-to-common breakdowns in my ability to clearly convey a message that is important to me are a good reminder that we all are learning to be clearer. I just would like to learn faster...

What's mine isn't?

One of my favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. I have read several of his books and though his thought process goes a lot deeper than even mine typically does, I enjoy pulling his quotes periodically when I need something particularly worthwhile to think about rather than typical mundane concerns that fill many of my days. One I came across recently was "Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours." If you can excuse the double negative, this statement carries a lot more meaning than you might speculate at first glance.

Rephrased slightly, it reads "That which is really yours is only what you have given away." It seems a contradictory statement. How can I possess that which I have given to someone else? Do I have to give something and take it back? It certainly doesn't seem like a sound economic policy. It is kind of funny how many of us define ourselves by what we owe. I like my car and my laptop and my camera and I like having a job that allows me to afford them but somehow I don't think that if I gave them away they would still be mine. Perhaps it is my narrow focus on the meaning of giving that makes it hard for me to understand this statement of Lewis' or perhaps I do understand it but prefer to act as if I don't. There is a song that goes "if you love somebody, set them free." While I am not particularly a fan of that song, I think it gets closer to the meaning of Lewis' words than I might like to think. Love cannot flourish when we try to make the person we love live according to our desires and wishes. When we have healthy relationships with others there is a big portion of them that must remain theirs. They aren't us and we aren't them, no matter how long we have been friends and how many mannerisms we have shared through spending time together over the years. As Thomas Merton wrote, "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” In other words, we cannot love others if we do not give them our love with the freedom to be who they are. We must give to love.

Furthermore, we may claim to love God, but how much of our lives do we withhold from His control? Perhaps it is our career that we are afraid He may ask us to change or our relationships He may want us to subject to his guidance. Perhaps it is that guilt we might harbor from something in our past or a success that we want all the credit for. Maybe it is our hopes and dreams that we fear He will push aside if we let Him. Interesting how fear finds its way in to so many reasons. Often people who seek to control others fear that if they don't, they will be left on their own. Ironically, our selfish nature typically has the same result if we let it rule our lives. We will eventually find ourselves alone. So why is fear such a motivator for so many of us? That may be a question for another posting.