Several weeks ago I posted a Facebook status noting that I can be really selfish when things don't go my way... While the events that led to that admission seem trivial now when viewed under the light of perspective gained through the passage of time and the wisdom of godly counsel, the realization remains the same. I mention this now, not to satisfy my self-critical nature (which incidentally cannot, and need not be satisfied), but rather to state a reality in my life that will be until I leave this earth. I hope that as my understanding of God's love towards me and the grace He shows, my selfishness will continue to die along with the "old man," but I know that it may be a long road indeed.
As I get older and watch many of my friends dating, marrying, and having children I sometimes wonder if I can ever be selfless enough to truly share my life (see, I referred to it as mine!) with a woman in a lasting relationship of equals known as marriage. Granted, I have friendships with members of both sexes that have withstood the test of time and I hope that my relationships with my family members will continue to grow, but when I look into scripture I cannot deny that there is something more required of a husband.
From the husband of the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31, to the Beloved described in Song of Songs, and most strikingly, Paul's instruction in Ephesians 5:25 to husbands to "love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." love of a woman is no task for a selfish man. I find it a little bit humorous and a lot more challenging that the verse in Ephesians that is at times abused in the church and so maligned by the world, Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" is followed by the directive that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church.
It is a formidable and sobering challenge in a world where selfish is often defined simply as someone who won't give us what we want: A woman who cares for her purity more than the desires of the boy who pretends to love her to get what he really wants may be accused as being selfish in much the same way that a child who refuses to share the toys at recess. Selfless people, think the late Mother Teresa, are venerated but seldom emulated. Perhaps the song "Love is a Battlefield" hints at the realization that in the worldly sense, love is too often reduced to a war between the wills of two, or more people, each seeking their own best interests. After all, nations do not go to war in order to help the country they are fighting! Love is a bloody fight and the battlefield is littered with the wounded hearts of people broken by selfish relationships. Perhaps there are some who we might say deserve their wounds as they loved the wrong person or the hurt their own selfishness caused them to heap on others finally came back to them but frankly, the reasons don't really matter. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...that's right, All.
Whether our hearts are broken because of our own selfishness, the selfishness of others, or a combination of the two, there is only one cure: to love selflessly. This advice flies in the face of every bit of self preservation and pride we may harbor. If love has left your heart wounded, why love more? Will not more pain be the result? Perhaps. But will loving no one and protecting your heart bring you healing? I have found no one who writes more challengingly on this subject than C. S. Lewis, and though I have quoted it often, this passage from The Four Loves, brings home a reality that I cannot state better:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
As I wrote earlier, I am selfish. I want to protect my heart. I don't want to risk the pain of rejection, I prefer injured pride over sacrificial humility, and I fear the very real possibility that I might hurt a woman I love, but in reality those fears are about me. They betray leanings toward a fearful, selfish, safe life which could not be further from the life that Christ led here on the earth. Christ showed his love for the Church by giving up his life for her and he did so boldly. I have a long way to go but I hope that you will join me on the journey and we may travel together, whether it be for this season or for the long haul. If love were easy, we wouldn't need Him to lead us along the way.
