Alone

"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." In Genesis Chapter 2, God made the preceeding declaration. "Alone" A lone what? A lone wolf? Wolves fare best in packs.. The Lone Ranger? He had his sidekick Tonto... The Lonestar State? A lot of people live there...

But there is something to be said for alone. I like alone... I walk alone, mostly live alone, primarily work alone in an office full of other people. Sure, it is lonely at times but that isn't all bad. I don't have feel like I am inconveniencing anyone. I don't have to do what other people want to do and if I don't invite anyone to join me, there is no disappointment if no one shows up. For the most part, alone is predictable and alone is safe.

...But alone IS lonely. Alone can be boring. Ever listen to a good love song alone? Or for that matter a symphony? How about staring at a full moon alone? A campfire? Even singing alone loses its enjoyment after a time. And as Ecclesiastes says, "Two are better than one for if one man falls, the other can help him up, pity the poor man who falls and has no one to pick him up..."

Now don't get me wrong, alone time is important. For some of us, our best ideas come when we have some time alone. Sometimes we need to spend some time alone with God... But then again, are we really alone then? Come to think of it, if God is everywhere, how is it that is takes so little effort to feel lonely?

I only can conclude that alone is a choice. Alone is at times a cowardly response to a life that we want to control, or the product of the fear of rejection, or trying to avoid the pain that is the inevitable part of knowing others and being vulnerable. Alone is an acknowledgement that we need to step back and take a look at our lives but it can also allow us to escape the sage advice of those who would tell us we are going nowhere fast-if we would just spend time with them enough to listen. Perhaps the expression "it is lonely at the top" comes from the principle that you have to come down for a bit if you want to have others with you. Of course, you can bring them up with you, but then what if they end up over you? Human nature causes us to want to at least feel like we alone are charge of our own lives. But God, through life, is constantly reminding us otherwise.

But then, alone and lonely aren't necessarily the same thing. Someone in a crowd isn't alone but he or she may feel lonelier in that setting than somewhere by his or herself. And no one likes to be the "third wheel." But we have our reasons for being alone. Perhaps it is what we want for now. After all, a wounded heart needs time to heal and there is nothing safe about life. But do we try to make life too safe? Ironically, if you spend too much time alone, being alone gets easier but life doesn't necessarily get any better. In a way, it is easy to forget what you are missing-especially if your most immediate memories are the least pleasant... So treasure those moments when true fellowship occurs. Seek to care for others whatever the cost. Love and be loved, one person at a time. Be hurt, heal, Live! It is not good for man to be alone... So why do we insist on living that way?

Risks

Risks: Life without them is like today at work-incredibly dull and totally pointless. (except that I still get paid for showing up-risks aren't THAT predictable.

Using logic in an effort to understand the risks I take and do not take isn't really very helpful either. For instance: I have driven over the speed limit on curving roads and ridden my bike down steep hills or even stairs without hesitation. I have even jumped off a cliff into water (not on a bike) that I could barely see since I wasnt' wearing my glasses. Granted the amount of thought given to each risk varied but all were taken-typically in the name of personal enjoyment.

So, apparently I am okay with some risks to life and limb. Throw women into the mix of things, however, and my approach to risk-taking loses most semblance of logical thought. The same me that likes to walk around outside in a Nor'easter is generally unwilling to take the minimal risk of asking a gal for her number or even to grab a cup of coffee. Unless I am talking to a particularly dangerous femme fatale, which is unlikely in my line of work, the chances of my receiving serious bodily injury is far less than in the aforementioned activities.

Where am I going with this? Well, the contradictions is incredibly frustrating when I try to make sense of it. While I am not usually naive enough to expect all of my emotions to be logical, there is a basic failure to correctly evaluate risk in my dealings with the opposite sex. Stereotypically, men are known for doing and not thinking. While I often fall under that stereotype, I find that more often I spend more time thinking than doing anything. It is amazing how many scenarios you can think of that lead to rejection when you never even test one. Even with past experiences where things did not go as planned, they were not nearly as painful as miscalculations made when trail running.

I would like to say that I am prepared to go out there and take all kinds of risks now but that isn't exactly the point I am trying to make here. (If this entry indeed has a point...) I want to take more risks while developing a more realistic view of the level of risk involved. I.E." Asking girl to get coffee is a minimal risk in most cases while asking for a woman's hand in marriage is indeed a big risk and should be more carefully considered. While the simplicity of that example is somewhat overstated, I think the point gets across.

So I suppose the "logical" question is What do I do now? Think less, act more, might be a good start but I guess I should stick to at least somewhat manageable ideas. The chance of me thinking less is pretty low...

So, short of asking out every girl I run across-which will eventually guarantee that I dont' meet any more gals-I need to work on being more honest in my actions. Showing a little extra attention to a gal I am interested in wouldn't hurt-though it could get me in trouble and I would actually risk rejection. Funny thing-a person can't really reject you if they don't know you like them. That makes it safer, but extremely boring. Thus I am back where this entry started and I think it is time for me to get to sleep.

Hope

Where do you find your hope? If you are living without hope, are you living? If you have no hope, are you looking for it, and if so, where?

How to figure out...

My last posting got a little more useful than I had planned so I have decided to disguise my thoughts behind a lot more useless information and hope that the entertainment potential increases... Let me know how I am doing.

As the title of this posting suggests, I am starting with a series on how to figure out things. Since I will probably be an old man before I figure out anything about women I am going to start with an easier topic. Today's topic is for women and is entitled, "How to figure out that a guy likes you." (Guys if you do some of these things you might want to CEASE AND DESIST-on the other hand some girls might like this stuff-I dont' really know...) Women-I never claimed that the items on this list are clues of a healthy interest...

A guy might be interested in you if...

He opens his mouth a lot and no words come out and he gasps for air like a fish. (or he might be choking in which case laughing is not a proper response.)

He calls you every 5 minutes. (Okay, so 'likes' may be the wrong word here)

He takes up macrame. (Some guys will try anything...)

He buys you stuff. (A snack or a drink may be suspect to some but a car is a good indication that something is going on...)

He spends hours fixing your car (unless he is simply a motorhead or you drive a very nice automobile)

He gets a tatoo with you name on it.

He talks with an accent when he is around you (but not at all when he is around other people)

He wears clean clothes (Hey, even guys can use stereotypes for humor)

He does dumb things (oh wait, that doesn't narrow it down at all, does it?)

He does your laundry. (heck, I dont' even like doing my own laundry.)

He goes to your younger siblings sports meets, plays, etc. (This doesnt' count for very good friends)

He dresses like you tell him to... (while some fashion advice is useful it can be a lot of fun to deliberately dress the opposite from how some fashionista tells us guys)

Feel free to add to this list. I would prefer that responses are kept only semi-serious since this is intended to be tongue in cheek...

Women

Well it has been a little while since I have posted anything here-though after my last posting I am somewhat hesitant to post anything revealing my thought process to any great extent. My attempts to foment debate generally resulted in a disgruntled response or so but nothing more. Thus I have elected to devote this blog entry to lighter topics that are intended primarily for comedic purposes rather than practical application. (I accidentally did make some useful points though-not sure where they came from.) So without further ado, here is my first attempt:

This entry is titled "What makes women attractive." Hopefully it is a bit different than you might expect. This is by no means an exhaustive list and these qualities are not listed in any special order. And if you are a woman reading this-by all means don't take this as a how to list-it is primarily for entertainment purposes. Enough disclaimer...

1. A big smile. There is a cheesy song in Annie that goes, "You're never fully dressed without a smile..." While it could be argued that wearing a big smile to a funeral is not in your best interest, there is a certain irresistable quality in a smile. So many times I have seen women who obviously spent an inordinate amount of time primping and preparing to look their best walking around with a look that says, "I may kill you if you say hello." Since I dont' have a death wish, I would much rather chat with a gal whose demeanor hints that there may actually be some joy in her life.

2. Willingness to challenge in a reasonable manner. I find that many women either try to be too nice rather than attempt to confront a man in his ignorance or they take the other approach and harp on everything that might be taken as immature. A woman who takes the time to tell a guy that he is making her uncomfortable and/or is out of line is usually demonstrating a lot more respect for both herself and the guy than one who puts up with all matter of immaturity and keeps it to herself or goes to her friends later to complain. On the converse, a woman who tries to fix all of a man's faults can be unbelievably tiring to spend much time around.

3. Sense of humor: There is no substitute and no explanation is necessary. (though what one finds funny, another calls a tragedy...)

4. Dressed with discretion: Dont' complain you get the wrong kind of attention from guys if what you are wearing very revealing clothing. If you want to get the attention of a classy guy, dress with class and then act as you are dressed.

5. Do something 'manly.' Can you change a tire? fix a car? weld? do woodworking? Fix the house/apt? While a lot of guys take pride in doing these things for you, showing that you are capable and somewhat able to fend for yourself is a good thing. One caveat-if you can crush a beer can with your forehead, some guys might not be impressed...

6. Learn to cook (something). While it isn't unrealistic to expect a guy to be able to cook (sorry guys), most guys highly value a good meal. Even if you only have a few specialties, do them well and remember that even guys who can cook still appreciate a good meal. (Chef Boyardee doesnt' cut it.)

7. A sharp wit. Some guys are threatened by a girl who is smarter than them. In no way does that mean you should play dumb. Don't pretend that you are an expert in something that you know nothing about (except for comedic purposes) but dont' be afraid to share you knowledge and even engage in some intellectual sparring. Chances are that if you can't engage a guy's mind or he cant' engage yours, you will both get pretty bored with each other very quickly.

8. Humility and Confidence. These two are inseparable. Nobody wants to be around someone who is convinced they are the cat's pajamas but far too many women have convinced themselves that they aren't worth any guy's notice. Be confident that God has created you and you are beautiful while still remembering that you are a work in progress. In other words, if a guy expects perfection from you, you can expect it from him... (I am thinking there is going to be a lot more single people if anyone misinterprets that...)

More to follow some other time...

Responsibility

I am not sure that I should post this, since it may be a bit more personal than I generally prefer to make available to the general public. That said, I would actually be interested to get other's thoughts on this topic.

I was spending some time with some friends this evening and the topic came up (as it tends to do in coed groups of singles) of how many of the girls feel uncomfortable with the way that guys interact with them/ act around them. While hardly a new topic, I was thinking about it a bit and got somewhat frustrated. While I am glad that gals often feel comfortable enough with me to discuss these sorts of things I struggle with maintaining the correct perspective regarding my responsibility. Guys are not supposed to be passive but I sometimes feel that it is my responsibility to protect every girl I know from guys who are blind to social cues or simply make the girls uncomfortable. While that isn't the case because, simply put, I can't be everywhere at once and even if I was, I can only do so much anyway. (and I couldn't really do much about the girls I make uncomfortable) I guess I feel a bit overwhelmed, especially in regards to Crossings since I would really like to help teach the guys to relate better to the women in the group and to treat them with the respect they deserve. I don't however, want to be a role model in that area because I hardly think that I am an example they should follow. While some guys might be able to learn how to better treat some of the women but watching me sometimes-they aren't going to learn how to pursue and how to truthfully share your feelings for a woman they care about. I am also concerned that if I were to step out and pursue some of the girls, they might view me in the same way they view serial daters or the guys they don't trust because they are afraid they are just being hit on. Perhaps that is just being cowardly, but it still does bother me. Herein comes the part about Responsibility.

Regarding responsibility: What is my responsibility towards the women of the group? I have learned many of the responsibilities/qualities of a Godly man and am slowly trying to put them into practice. The reality is that there is always more to do and always room to improve. So for this discussion I would like the ask a smaller question: To what extent can I hold myself responsible for the actions of other guys toward women in the group? I have been asked to intervene in situations-sometimes when it was appropriate and others when it was not-but in at least some situations my direct intervention may have helped the situation but did nothing to address the root of the problem. It is like patching cracks in the outside of a bulding when foundation is failing. The building may look good for a bit but it will just keep getting worse without major renovations.

I guess there is a second part to my responsibility question. As a leader and a man who tries very hard to be trustworthy and honoring-especially in his relationships with women-how do I shirk my responsibility by not stepping out and taking the risk to pursue? I initiate, but initiating friendships is not as risky by any means since any rejection hurts a lot less.
While rejection by a girl you are pursuing is lousy, it is much better sooner rather than later (to a point) and doesn't need to be something that is crushing of one's self worth, etc. My worth comes from God, and not from my ability to get a woman to like me or even in my ability to "rescue a woman." (Though "Wild at Heart" does not say that a man is less of a man if he isn't rescuing a woman so much that he may feel that way. ) Truly, I think it is more aptly put that a woman's desire to be rescued must be filled by a relationship with Jesus Christ. That doesn't, however, get me or any other man off the hook in terms of pursuing a woman. We just need to be aware that we will never fill certain needs nor will any woman fill ours.

That said, I still dont' like rejection and I definitely dont' go seeking it... What I am far more concerned about is failing. While failure is part of life, I don't want to fail my female friends, let alone a girl I am in a relationship with. Fear of failure cannot be allowed to prevent me to try. Indeed, fear of failure may very effectively prevent success, and thus lead to the failure of not trying at all. I kind of feel like the expectation of many of the girls I know is that the guy will fail so there isnt' really any point of giving him a chance. I need to face the fact that I will fail but God will hopefully bring a woman into my life who will have patience for my failures.