While I was reading Donald Miller's book, Searching for God Knows What, this week the following passage stuck with me:
"I have sometimes wondered if the greatest desire of man is to be known and loved anyway. It is no secret that we are terribly protective of our hearts, as though this tender space is a kind of receptor for our validation as humans. The closer we are to another person, the more vulnerable we are and the more we feel a sense of risk. Lovers can takes years to finally trust each other, and many of us will close ourselves off at the slightest hint of danger. Introductory conversations are almost always shallow. "Where did you go to school?" and "How old are your children?" are safe places to begin. Start an initial meeting with "What addictions do you struggle with?" or "When do you feel least loved by your wife?" and we are going to have a tough time making new friends. It seems that we feel we must trust people before we let them know anything remotely vulnerable about us, and to ask for more before trust has been built is to contravene a social etiquette dating back to the fall of man. All of this, I suppose, is connected to the fact that our validation seems to always be in question. (p. 133)
"It is nice to meet you. So when do you think your girlfriend loves you least? Hey! where are you going?" That isn't the type of question most of us would ask someone we've just met. Frankly, we wouldn't ask most people that we've know for years that question. Why? Well, perhaps it is as simple as that just isn't how things are supposed to be done. If we give it a little more thought, maybe it is because we wouldn't want someone asking us that type of uncomfortable question or perhaps because we are afraid how the other person might react. Truth be told, most of us have never shared our most embarrassing moment in those cheesy icebreakers at group events...
...but for most of us, there are people who have earned the right to ask uncomfortable questions. They still may hurt us at times, but they challenge us to trust that they have our best interests at heart.
"Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" In John 21, the resurrected Jesus, meets up with the Disciples by the Sea of Galilee where some of them, Peter included, have returned to fishing. In this passage, Jesus repeats the question to Peter 3 times. John 21:17 notes that "Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” I've heard that Peter was upset because Jesus' questions in triplicate reminded him of his denial while many biblical scholars maintain that Jesus was referring to the fish when he used "these." Regardless of the specific reason, it had to hurt for Peter to be questioned in this manner. He certainly had the reputation for saying, and at times, doing the wrong thing but the knowledge that he had denied the One who he had followed with such abandon had to be eating at him constantly. It was pretty clear that Jesus had ample reason to banish Peter from his presence but his response in verse 18, is baffling: "follow me." After Peter abandoned Christ, denied him three times, and went back to his old livelihood, Jesus gently restores him and repeats that invitation he made several years ago when He asked Peter to follow him and become a "fisher of men." While it isn't recorded whether Jesus every specifically mentioned Peter's denial after the Last Supper, there can be no question that he knew if had occurred. Peter even says to the Jesus "You know all things." I'm sure that Peter had at least some idea about what he deserved, or at least that he no longer deserved to be a follower of Christ! Jesus wasn't interested in what Peter deserved though, he knew Peter and he loved him anyway.
I think that Donald Miller is spot on and we, just like Simon Peter, have an overwhelming desire to be really known but we are afraid no one would love us if they really knew us. As C.S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." Since the fall of Man in the Garden of Eden, man has been embarrassed by his nakedness. Adam realized he was naked and hid from God but he was still naked so I don't think his naked body was the real issue. Perhaps Adam realized that his disobedience has exposed his personality for a self-serving human that craved Eve's acceptance over obedience with God's commands. Of course, as the first man, it makes sense that we are so quick to throw Adam under the bus. He of course, blamed Eve, and then even God, but false charges don't stick in a court where the Judge is omniscient! Of course, designer clothing excepted, we aren't much different. We too fear being exposed and wear masks everywhere-even in many of our close friendships. We try wearing them with God too but they typically are as effective as was Adam's hiding.
Why do we wear masks? Is it because when we seek our validation from others we often find that we need to keep hidden those aspects of ourselves that they might reject? Do we hide those parts of ourselves that may be unpopular to gain the approval of others and achieve our validation in that manner? Are we at times guilty for causing others to wear masks when we judge or compare ourselves to them in an obvious (or subtle) attempt to look better by comparison? Sadly, I'd have to admit that all of these reasons are true. Wearing a mask is exhausting, if only because of the constant fear that it may be unexpectedly removed and we will be revealed, scars and all. But it is by no accident that the One who bears scars on our behalf sees beyond our masks and our scars to the Creations we are, and are becoming, in Him. For it is only in our nakedness that he can clothe us in the garments of his Love.
