Insecurely Confident

You’ve probably seen it:  A flaming building, a woman trapped on the second floor and screaming for help.  One fireman more brave than the rest runs into the building as it collapses around him.  He rescues the woman, a beautiful brunette, and you expect them to kiss when something else draws her attention.  She hands the fireman’s jacket back to him absentmindedly and runs toward the astronaut who is walking toward her.  “Nothing beats an astronaut,” the video narrator says. If my description didn’t paint a vivid enough picture, here is the ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjzGaSQX0iU

So why do I mention a rather silly advertisement?  Both it, a different version in which a lifeguard wrestles a shark to save another model, and one where Neil Patrick Harris loses out to a man in a space suit illustrate a point I hear over and over: Women are attracted to confident men.  While I am not sure I agree that it takes more confidence to go into space than it does to run into a burning building or to wrestle (and punch) a shark, the point is well made.

Webster’s Dictionary defines trust as follows:

1. Trust or faith in a person or thing.

2. A trusting relationship

3. a. That which is confided; a secret  b. A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.

Interestingly enough, in the dictionary I consulted for the above definition, the entry immediately following is “confidence game,” defined as “a swindle in which the victim is defrauded after her or her confidence has been won.”  So often our confidence is a counterfeit. We expend a tremendous amount of energy to appear confident, usually to earn the respect, indeed the confidence, of others.  We play a sort of “confidence game” with those around us and in the process defraud them and ourselves.  Or, perhaps knowing our own shortcomings all too well, we place our confidence in others who aren’t strong enough to keep it or perhaps have no right to it.

That is not to say that confidence, when appropriately placed, is a bad thing but when our confidence is borrowed from other insecure people or our own success it is built on a foundation that will eventually fail. The friends who have been at our side through thick and thin will not always come through.  A brave, well-trained firefighter may rescue a child from a burning building but other brave men have ran into buildings only to be carried out one last time.

Pride and confidence are often difficult to discern from each other.   To expound on the firefighter example, a firefighter may have the legitimate confidence built on training, experience, and specialized equipment but those things will not protect him if his respect for the power of fire is buried under a coat of bravado and he begins to act as if he cannot be burned simply due to his bravery.  Just as courage is not the absence of fear, confidence is not the absence of doubt or apprehension.  It is not coincidence that we are more willing to admit our doubts to those who have earned our confidence-those we trust.

Thus we come full circle to Webster’s definition of confidence: “Trust or faith in a person or thing.”  It is a critical clue in the confidence riddle.  Confidence that is not counterfeit can be founded only on trust.  Furthermore, our trust must be in something or someone that is trustworthy.  If I have confidence that the ladder is safe but it isn’t set up properly, I am going to fall. 

In scripture we see the actions of those whose confidence was rooted in the one who needs not the approval of any man or woman.  Many of them were often afraid.  Some, notably Elijah, Jonah, and David had to run away from things or people they feared.  God wasn’t particularly concerned with their confidence in their own ability.  In fact, Scripture seems to indicate that He got really tired of people taking credit for His work and giving him none.  Don’t get me wrong, He doesn’t need our approval but when we put our confidence, indeed out trust, in Him He may very well use us beyond our natural ability.  How else can you explain a drunkard (Noah) chosen to continue the lineage of man on the earth?  Or a stuttering murderer (Moses) leading God’s chosen people out of slavery?  How about the weakest man of the weakest tribe (Gideon) leading a force of 300 men against an army of thousands and winning?  Or a man who led his people around a fortified city for days before attacking it with trumpets and a shout? (Joshua)  If you prefer New Testament examples, Paul was so qualified that God had to throw him off a horse and make him temporarily blind to begin using him.  Peter denied he even knew Jesus yet spoke boldly when the Spirit descended on him.

So I suppose that the question we may need to ask is If you are lacking confidence, is it perhaps because your own confidence is built on a foundation of your own making?  Perhaps it is worth attracting a woman who wants a man whose confidence comes from a wellspring deeper and fuller than his own heart.