Two weekends ago, in simultaneous sermons at two different churches, Pastors Phil Knauer and Kelly Harrison spoke to tensions created in marriages from men detaching from their marriages to focus on the work of providing for their families and men being passive, respectively. Though I am not married or in a relationship, I was reminded of instances in my own life and observations I’ve made which relate to this problem.
At some point in most every young man’s life, he dreams
about being a hero to at least one woman.
I certainly dreamt about rescuing more than a few of my first crushes
from dangerous situations in elementary school and that continued later in
middle school and even into high school.
In elementary school, where my popularity in grade school peaked, I even
had a group of boys who would run around the playground attempting to “rescue”
women from other buys who were picking on them. I should perhaps even admit that I’ve definitely imagined
being a hero to women I’d hoped to impress as recently as this year.
There is a point, however, for most men where reality sets
in and we realize that we aren’t always going to be able to run in and rescue
the woman of our dreams-or perhaps even the woman of our current interest. Perhaps
we’ve finally learned that most of our childhood superheroes are just comic
book creations or perhaps, like me, they’ve learned that the women they’d hoped
to rescue have someone else in mind for that role! Pastor Phil said that most women are looking for
Prince Charming, and regardless of the veracity of that statement, I’d think
that most men have lost their thoughts of being Prince Charming by their
30s. We all fall short. Sadly because of failed attempts at
relationships, or perhaps worse, failure to even try due to lack of confidence
or fear of failure many men lose hope that they will rescue anyone. Too many of these men check out of the
relationships in their lives, and many become detached or passive in the
relationships that persist.
I should pause here for my female readers to address something
I’ve hinted at above that greatly offends some independent, godly, women I’ve
had the opportunity to know over the years.
When I speak of a man rescuing a woman, I am not implying that without
that man’s help she would be lost. I am
certainly aware that there are many strong women and there is certainly
Biblical precedent to women coming alongside other women and supporting
them. Furthermore, godly men I know have
shared times of their wives’ strength and support in difficult times, which
helped them get through. Perhaps a
better way of explaining what I am trying to say rather than coming to the
rescue was that the man was able to put his strength to her service. Whether that strength is physical,
intellectual, emotional, or spiritual is not really the point.
With that disclaimer behind me, I will attempt to get back
on the topic of detachment and passivity.
Phil spoke of the biblical responsibility of men to provide for their
families. While I realize that in today’s
society, this view is often misconstrued to say that men should be the primary
breadwinners but let’s table that debate for now as this post is already
becoming longer than planned. Phil went
on to explain how many men need to detach from their family and marriage
relationships to focus on their careers and the demands of work. As most would agree that men are not
particularly adept at multi-tasking, it is a necessary detachment. The problem, I would argue, arises when men
put far too much of their strength into their work and become detached or
passive in their relationships outside of work.
I don’t make any claim to be representative of my sex but in my own
experience, I prefer to focus on my strengths.
Frankly, I’ve far more experience in my profession than I have in
dating. (Being single, I of course have
no experience in marriage.)
Unfortunately, though it is too easy to focus on our work to the detriment
of our other relationships. Society
tends to measure success for men more by their influence in the boardroom or
their prowess in the bedroom than in their ability to serve and love their
families and wives. Meaningful,
sacrificial, relationships may even be viewed as a distraction from their true
purpose, which is ostensibly to work hard and make money to provide for their
families and accrue lots of fancy toys so they can play hard when they aren’t
working.
Not surprisingly, many hard-driving, career-minded men who
are extraordinarily successful in their work are barely present in the lives of
the people they’d profess to care about.
They leave early, come home late, and may even bring work home with them
so they are rarely present even if they are physically with their
families. It may be accurate to describe
them as married to their work. They may
be successful but at what cost? Some
become detached because they give their all at work and have nothing left,
others detach because they come home to controlling wives and they aren’t
willing or able to fight another battle. (more on this in a future blog.) Some simply become passive, being present but
never really engaging those they claim to love.
Love does not endure passivity.
As a single man, I can focus on my career without the
struggle of balancing my work with a marriage or family. (I am sometimes reminded of this by my
married friends as part of well-intentioned advice.) The reality is that I cannot allow my work to
supplant healthy relationships with friends and family if I wish to have a wife
and family of my own. On a base level, I
will not take the risks required to enter into a relationship that could result
in marriage if my greatest risks are always in the workplace. I cannot expect to have the type of
relationship I hope for if I remain passive and wait for God to bring me the
right woman. (I do not hope she will
fall from the sky because I’ve not been to the gym recently and I am doubtful I
could catch her.) All joking aside, if I
detach and remain passive in my relationships, I forfeit the chance to demonstrate
my strength and serve the people who are in my life. Engaging and taking risks may
never be comfortable and it most certainly will result in failures that could
leave greater scars than marketplace missteps.
It is this realization, then, that forces all men to make a
decision. Do they wish to expend their
lives to build themselves up or do they hope to have lasting, positive, impact on the lives of
others? Will they only carve their
accomplishments into marble or be active participants in the formidable task of
writing truth on hearts through love? It
is a decision with eternal significance but it must be made every day.
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